Light

This is where you are right now; caught somewhere between the shadows of who and what you're becoming, and the light of what you already know.

And I'm beside you.

In the thick of it all, bobbing and weaving between the pendulum of your emotions.

I'm beside you, and kid, let me tell you, this is punishing. Because in the most demanding way it's not physical, a sore muscle that needs rest; it's unrelenting and arduous, because it's emotional.

Whomever coined the term "terrible twos," clearly had not yet encountered a three year-old. I've become quite familiar with the phrase "threenager," and it seems to fit Lucy perfectly. We've also used, on occasion, Lussolini, as when she gets into a mood, there's no room for democracy, only a vehement dictatorship. I have made many jokes this summer about how I may not survive this year, and while I chuckle, inside, I'm desperate to help us both through this necessary, yet aggravating challenge.

I've reached out to the wiser, more experienced, and they've all returned the same trifecta of sentiments: this is normal, we will survive, and it's only a phase. All three remain close to my heart and nerves, and I repeat them like mantras when the little turd refuses to sit still long enough for me to comb out the rat's nest that has formed in her hair because she refused to let me braid it and keep it out of her face for the day.

Exasperation doesn't even come close.

When researching the psychology and developmental stage of an (almost) three year-old - the stark contrast of emotions, stubbornness, need to feel independent whilst still screaming for mama because the shadows in her room made it scary - I'm not surprised. Watching her deal is one thing, and then experiencing my own reaction is another: one moment rage seethes just beneath my flesh, and the next, I want to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.

Parenting this little girl strikes me as a parallel to what she's actually undergoing. Maybe that's Nature's way of helping us through this seventh circle of hell? Some twisted sort of empathy?

I reached out to her pediatrician, whom I adore, never judges, and always reassures. I needed some validation from a professional. When I described what was going on, she responded with:

"I wish I could make this all go away, as it is very stressful. Her behavior is normal. 3 year-olds think they can do it all on their own, especially bright articulate children. Remain calm, loving, but firm...often what they need is recognition of their feelings. It's just a phase. The hard part is not knowing the duration. Surely it will go up and down."

It's a carousel, Lucy. We're on your beloved "carouself," going up and down, round and round. Sometimes the view is spectacular, and sometimes it isn't.

While she's navigating the choppy waters of her emotions, the sharp corners of what she's feeling, overwhelmed and unable to cope, I'm sourcing stores of patience at the bottom of what feels like a nearly dry well. Most days I can manage, but there are plenty when I look at her - screaming in my face about needing to watch Wonder Woman right now and wanting to drink chocolate milk from the blue cup - that I turn from her and walk away. Like actually walk away to another room, telling her not to follow me, and give me a minute.

Then she panics. And follows me, screaming louder, no mama, don't be sad, don't go. She knows. She knows and somehow that's reassuring, that in the midst of all this bullshit, she's beginning to understand that actions come with reactions. The other day, after a series of infuriating behaviors, what they were I couldn't even tell you because they were so inconsequential (but there were about thirty billion that happened in rapid fire succession), I started to cry. Full on ugly cry, right there on the couch. Lucy became distraught, and began to cry herself. She hovered over me, wiping my tears, repeating, no mama, please don't cry, don't be sad, I love you so much. And that made me cry harder.

Because I'm her mama and I want to help her understand these big feelings that are inundating her. Because she's growing up, and I'm desperate to sleep well again and not have to go into her room when she cries out for me. Because I'm terrified she won't cry out for me. Because it's all so big and amazing and demanding.

And then I look at these photos taken this morning, dark images of this little person in between worlds, the light catching her profile, and in that moment, I forget all the yuck.

Because I love her so much.

Dirty Dancing, Sort Of.

Two months into Motherhood, I wrote about trying to understand who I was now that I had this alien baby. I likened the journey to a choreographed dance, learning new steps while incorporating a few old ones. Fast-forward 13 months, and I still find myself occasionally tripping over my own feet. Picture the Dirty Dancing music montage where "Hungry Eyes" is playing and Patrick Swayze is trying to teach an uncoordinated Jennifer Grey how to dance. She steps on his toes, can't get the timing correctly, and giggles when she's supposed to be serious. I'm barely holding it together Jennifer Grey right now. But I have hope, because if you've seen the whole movie, and I know you have, she's a spectacular dancer by the time the credits role. I mean, who can forget the final scene? Please tell me you have stayed up long into the wee hours of the night, your freshman year of college, perfecting the moves from the final scene, with the girls who live on the same floor as you. Who's with me? Jenny, Sara, Pam - you'd better raise your hands.

I've made some serious advancements in putting the pieces of my revised self, post baby, back together again. The photography gig is going really well and despite Old Man Winter, I'm booking clients. My brother had been on me for a while to update my website, something about flash (not boobies) and html and optimal viewing, blah, blah, blah. I'd been dragging my heals on working on the site because I knew it was going to take me about a billion hours to update and revamp. These days, time is precious commodity. Finally, I just bit the bullet and sat my ass down one evening after Lucy had gone to bed, and got to working on it. I was right - it took nearly a billion hours, or closer to five, which in Mommy time is pretty much the same thing, especially when working evening hours that are best spent zombified on a couch, eyes trained on The Real Housewives, or Girls, or Broad City, or Togetherness. Yes, I watch them ALL and then some. Point is, with the sacrifice of a couple prized evenings, I got the website done. And dammit, it looks fabulous.

Writing has definitely been on the back burner, but I did something today that forced me to dust off some old work, and put a new piece together. I auditioned for the Pittsburgh show of Listen to Your Mother. Gulp. At about high noon on this quiet snowy Sunday, I stood before a panel of three women, and performed my pieces. I think it went well! They laughed when they were supposed to, and they got teary-eyed, too. Both good signs that my writing, and how I told my stories, evoked a reaction. Now it's a waiting game. A fingers crossed, breath held, waiting game...

Slowly, I'm making progress at redefining who I am. There will never be a time, though, when I'm not Lucy's mama; Motherhood underscores everything. It's the nature of this blessed beast. But, I'm discovering that while being Lucy's mama is part of my everyday, it doesn't have to be my everything. I can be her mama, and be a photographer. I can be her mama, sweep some blush across my cheeks, dab on some lipstick, lint roll the dog hair off my pants, scrape the crust of god knows what off my shoulder, drive myself downtown, and rock an audition. 

The more I do for myself, the better of a mama Lucy gets. It's a win-win situation. Now someone lift up your arms, I'm going to jump into them cause - and you knew I was going to work it in somehow: 

nobody puts baby in the corner.  

Ramblings

Maybe it’s the autumnal air, the trees beginning to turn their brilliant colors, the sky deepening it’s hue before a long winter’s sleep. Something has affixed itself to me; something that has no name but boards alongside restlessness and boredom. Let me interject and state that this has nothing to do with Lucille. On the Motherhood front, I feel a sense of gratifying fulfillment. Motherhood has simultaneously shattered and healed me. By day’s end I am exhausted, but even in a collapsed state on the big brown couch, every evening, my heart swells when I turn the monitor on and see my daughter’s rumpled body in the corner of her crib, her doughy hand clutching her lovey.

This thing, this some other, has more to do with the rest of my life. I’m 36. Am I too young to be facing a mid-life crisis? Is that what this is? I have been teaching for nearly eleven years, a decade split between two schools I love. For the majority of my career, I’ve been fortunate enough to teach exactly what I want and how I want, and I have been relatively successful at it. But lately the claws of a greener pasture seem to have fastened themselves to the hours of my days. Daydreaming has turned into thoughts of a full-fledged photography business, or transforming into a married with a kid version of Carrie Bradshaw. My usual state of acceptance and general happiness has been stained with a narrative of I want more.

Can we really have it all?

Pause.

My god, can we have it all and more?

My immediate response to this nebulous fog is to organize. The need for a clean slate, for shirts hanging in the closet to be filed side-by-side according to color and sleeve length, makes me happy. Begin a cleanse and whole body makeover.  And I know why. It’s because I can control these. I can make changes, I can reorganize my desk drawers, I can clean out the pantry – I can be in complete control of the outcome. I’m not grasping at gossamer trails of smoke in the air that don’t exist. Shirts on a hanger are concrete items that can be manipulated. The daydreaming, the fettered state of metacognition – it’s all so elusive.

The reality, though, of this more, is not really real. At least it appears to be temporary; it comes in waves. While I was feeling as previously described for several days, I then sank my teeth into planning one of my new courses, and guess what? I felt revived. The color came back into my cheeks, and the wan sense of boredom retreated. Clearly this just bolsters the case for not making a rash decision. Good thing I didn’t resign and go spend umpteen-thousand dollars on lenses and a new camera body. Good thing my family still has health insurance.

Good thing.

A Mighty Tree

This morning I had my third round of acupuncture with Debbie. I've been going for three consecutive weeks and I will admit I feel like I'm changing. While the sense is subtle, nothing profound or life-altering - something has most certainly begun to shift.

The first round of needles resulted in a wonderful sense of euphoria and it lasted quite some time. The second round not so much. The awareness of something was a little more refined. Throughout the week I made note that I wasn't getting hung up on what had to be done right now, because what if... The dialogue was more along the lines of, yes, this should get done, do the best you can. Debbie had suggested that when I started to feel that hyper urgency to do something or a need to overreact, to breath deeply - like from the belly. Apparently what dominates my nature is yang - the positive, active, strong force of the yin and yang duo. When Debbie listened to my pulses, she picked up on my pronounced yang. Part of my treatment has sought to and will continue to work on balancing the pair.

Today, needles were placed near my kidneys, the backs of knees and ankles. The goal was to strengthen the kidney's, a grounding organ, one that would aid me in working to be more present - not allowing myself to get tangled in all the blasted what ifs.

The slight changes that have been occurring are indicative of a larger mountain moving. If the change was rapid and always euphoric, the fall from that height would be greater. The way I see it, the changes I'm making/feeling, although slow, will last for the long haul. Consider a tree that shoots up towards the heavens, ravenous for the sun. Because it grew so quickly, it's roots could not keep pace and therefore lay superficially beneath the earth. It will never be as strong as it's sister who has taken her time to grow gently, steadily reaching towards the sky, allowing her roots to expand widely and deeply. Who will stand mighty against wind that challenges their integrity? I want to be the tree that endures.

After leaving my acupuncture appointment, I had a photo session lined up in which I had the privilege of photographing five day-old newborn fraternal twins. The sweetness of these two babies was off the charts.

On Wednesday I did yoga. I'm naturally inclined to not like yoga. My history as a competitive athlete has formed my need to exercise in an aggressive manner. If I'm not sweating profusely and exerting my muscles until they burn and shake, well then I'm not really exercising. Debbie explained to me that yoga is a restorative exercise, and perhaps I should be open to a more balanced approach to fitness. In keeping with taking care of myself, yesterday, I went to YogaRythmics and had a blast! Afterwards, my friend and I went to The Milkshake Factory and had oh so delicious milkshakes. AND I have another photo session tomorrow. AND I'm leaving tomorrow night to attend the presidential inauguration.

I've been busy. It's been good. I have a long way to go to find my balance, my peace, the equilibrium between my yin and yang - but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely.

Pretty.

Felt like sharing an image from a maternity session done yesterday. Despite the raging heat we all survived. In this image an apartment window and the Mommy-to-be standing on her couch provided some incredible ethereal light. I love the luminescence and the softness of this image.

Zoe & Co.

I have to admit, I was a tad nervous for today's photo session with newborn Zoe (just a wee 10 days old!) and her family. I'd never really photographed a family with a newborn and a child. What if I couldn't get good poses? What if the pictures weren't exposed properly? Ugh. I didn't want to let Zoe's mamma, my friend, down.

That was this morning. I've since exhaled and am really happy with what I was able to capture. The whole family was incredibly nice, very accommodating, and even willing to put Zoe, swaddled, atop of an antique stereo. I'm glad they did, cause the resulting pic is incredibly unique and super cute.

Here are a few images from today's session, the newly minted family of four - Zoe & Co:

Learning.

This is a recent picture of a little girl that I photograph every month. And this is by far, my favorite one that I've taken - so far. I love how her eyes jump right off the screen. Just love it!

I'm a late bloomer when it comes to photography; I've been lucky enough to have folks in my life who have allowed me to hone my craft on their bellies and babies. Sometimes it can be more than overwhelming when my brain makes an attempt to wrap itself around the seemingly infinite amount to learn when it comes to snapping pics. What I have figured out is that if I get the shot (see it, frame it and capture), much of what I have yet to learn can be corrected or enhanced with magic known as Photoshop. Not that it stops there as Photoshop provides another infinity's worth of information and tricks to learn, but it's a wonderful set of training wheels, if you will.

I am getting more and more comfortable with my camera, practicing by playing around with the different setting combinations, namely the holy trifecta: ISO, shutter speed and aperture. If I'm on a shoot and I'm finding that I can't find the perfect combo, then I revert back to an auto setting. I'd never want to sacrifice a friend or client's pictures just for the sake of my education.

Tomorrow I have another opportunity to photograph a newborn. This particular baby girl will be ten days old and she'll be the center of attention. My friend, Zoe's mom, has also requested a family session. I'm excited as this is my first opportunity to photograph a family of four, and a little nervous. They have a little boy and children can be tricky. Wish me luck!

Spring Break 2012

Awesome.

That's what spring break 2012 has been for this gal.

First things first: a word on friendship. A little over a year ago I wrote about the friendships in my life. Specifically one that had fallen by the wayside, one that I'd all but given up on. It was hurtful, but I didn't know any other way to make it better, so I did my best to move on from the loss - and a loss it was. This was a friend who held an incredibly important history in my life, and her absence was deeply felt. I'm happy to say that through a series of emails, we have slowly begun to reconnect. I wanted to do something for her son who turns four years old tomorrow so I put together a little slideshow of pictures of him over the past few years. I burned the slideshow and put it in the mail. This is what I found inside my inbox this morning:

What absolute and utter delight! That little face, those silly and kind words. It made my week. I responded to my friend letting her know how glad I was that he enjoyed the video, but more so that she enjoyed it as well. While it was a gift for her son, this was also another hand extended, another small brick put back into the foundation of our friendship. I couldn't be happier.

The next best part of my week was photographing newborn, Jack Michael. At just 8 days old this fine young man slept through the entire session allowing us to pose and repose him. My friend Z was on hand, as this was her new nephew, and I was able to snap a few that included her. Jack could not have been a better baby and it was a perfect session. The images I was able to capture were fantastic and in my opinion, my very best work to date.

My photography website is now completely functional and I have my own domain! I also created a Facebook page on the encouragement of Jack's proud mom. Slowly I'm growing my gig and it's tons of fun.

On the Big Red front: he started his new job, and guess what? It's going so well! We're both relieved and excited for the many opportunities that will be coming his way. Although this new job will include travelling which will take him from me and Olive every now and again, I am completely and fully supportive of this endeavor. He more than deserves his chance to shine and dammit, I believe he'll finally have his moment.

Lastly, and I can't believe I'm listing this last because it's certainly not LEAST - I'm just 0.4 lbs. shy of hitting another weight loss milestone: 25 lbs. I'm pretty sure it's in the bag and hopefully this weekend or early next week, I'll cross that threshold. I feel fabulous, astoundingly phenomenal. My clothes are hanging off me, and I'm able to pull out pieces that had long since been buried at the back of my closet. I'm not quite slinking into the jeans I wore for my bachelorette party, but no doubt, I'll get there.

The life that Big Red and I have created is really coming into its own. We are both collectively and individually hitting our strides; I have great hope that more goodness is just on the horizon.

Cheers.

Banner Week!

For a while I've had little to write about. Well, you know how they say life shows up in threes? Whoever they are - they are right. This week was a banner week.

I. Big Red
I haven't really spoken of Big Red for a while because there wasn't much to put on  paper screen. Big Red's story is a bit convoluted for those who haven't been following so I'll give you the shortened version as best I can. Here's the lightening fast wrap-up of what's happened with Big Red since we arrived back in our Steel Town in the summer of 2008:

• He gets hired within a week of our return, making a really great flat-rate salary at an Audi/VW dealership. Turns out the dealership sucks big time and he works with a bunch of chauvinistic cheating pigs.
• He leaves dealership to work in an independent shop - sigh of relief. This place is a little further, but worth the commute. Turns out his boss begins to cheat him so that he won't have to pay Big Red. Huge bummer.
• He leaves the small shop and takes a break from being a mechanic altogether; quits working, stays home for 8 weeks and finishes our basement over the holidays.
• When it's time to look for work, he's weary of going back to any kind of shop so he gets a job as a parts delivery driver making $8/hr. While the money is tight, he's home before me, and his demeanor completely lightens up; he's the happiest he's been since we've been here.
• Then the mother of all job opportunity arises. He has a chance to go work for an independent shop, one where they specialize in taking care of vintage race cars. It's a dream. He begins the job in the summer of 2011. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief and I write about it here. And then the worst things happens: the dream becomes a nightmare. Big Red is treated like crap, referred to a "f*@king monkey" in front of clients. He comes home many nights dejected and confused. He begins to spin into a darkness I've never seen before. This job lasts six weeks. Just when we think everything is lost and there's no hope, yet another way out turns up - a job at a Toyota dealership where his friend works. He jumps on it and begins in the early fall of 2011.
• Big Red's spirit brightens and things seem to mollify themselves. But no, of course not, that would be too easy. Turns out this dealership is no better than the previous one. There's plenty of brown-nosing mechanics getting fed work. What becomes clear as day is that dealerships just SUCK. It's an environment that breeds corruption because income is on the line. Takeaway the variability of income, and I'm certain things would be better. But that'll never happen. Big Red begins to look for a way out.
• Through the most unconventional turn of events, through a friend of a friend who knows his mother, Big Red is told to "call" Mr. W. Mr. W is the owner of a small shop that caters to vintage race cars, among other race cars (open-wheel). When my mother-in-law gives me the message, I'm nervous because I know that Big Red's palate has been soured with his experience last summer at the other race shop. Nevertheless it's another chance. I give the message to Big Red, he's understandably skeptical. I encourage him to call anyhow. He does. Meets Mr. W, and realizes that Mr. W ain't like the others, and actually refers to what he does as "a craft." Big Red is over the moon. They negotiate a salary, yes a freaking SALARY, and Big Red begins work on April 2!

What's the moral of the story? Risk. You must be willing to take risks. Had Big Red snuffed the invitation to call Mr. W because he was afraid to encounter the hell he had previously, he would have missed out on the chance of a lifetime. And folks, this really is the chance of a lifetime. Working with Mr. W will allow Big Red to travel and do unique amazing work. It's the piece of the puzzle that's been missing since we moved back. I am beyond excited for him, and more than anything relieved. When I hurt, it's my own problem and I can fix myself. When my husband hurts and I'm left helpless because there isn't a damn thing I can do, I feel useless. There are few things worse than seeing someone you love, to the moon and back, hurt so deeply. Likewise, there are few things better than seeing that same person happy.

II. 20+ lbs.
This morning I weighed in and I've crossed the 20 lb. threshold. I'm down a total of 21.2 lbs! I am ECSTATIC.  Yes, I still have another 18 to go, but I'm more motivated than ever. I've kept up with the P90X, but I have made a few of my own modifications. I did not like the Kempo so I'm substituting that for a day where I take long run (5-6 miles), or I hop on the elliptical. It's going incredibly well, and I'm damn proud of myself. My battle with food continues to be won, and it's actually becoming less of a battle. Earlier this week one of our math teachers had pies for "Pie Day" (3/14), and offered up some to those of us eating in the lunch room. While I could of just said no and skipped it altogether, I quickly realized that it wasn't necessary, but that I'd have to exercise restraint on how much I took. Look, I love food and that's never going to change. I can still eat sweets if the craving hits, I'm just much more aware of what I'm eating and how much of it I'm going to eat. I took a sliver of key lime pie and a sliver of peanut butter pie. I enjoyed every single morsel, my craving was satisfied, and I didn't undo all my hard work.

III. New Website
My photography is slowly growing. I don't have a large client base by any stretch, but word is quietly getting around. I've known for a while that the next step in growing my photography business is to put together a website. I'm not ready to invest hundreds in some flashy set up, so I've been scouring the internet for free options. This week I found one through www.wix.com. I don't own my own domain just yet, and am planning to take that second leap this summer. It isn't terribly expensive and it's something I'll definitely take care of. Until then, my photography business can be found at: http://www.wix.com/ilenemarshall/photography. I will continue to update my galleries, hopefully getting some students to do some senior portraits soon. I'm proud of what I've put together and while I know it's relatively simple compared to the super-professionals out there, I'm quick to realize I'm not a super-pro. I'm a full-time teacher with a budding photography business. For now, I think it's a great start.