Where we are now; this isn't our home. This house belongs to someone else and Big Red and I are not 100% comfortable here. We don't have our things to surround us. We sleep in a too-small bed that creaks and groans if you breathe, which is oh, every SECOND, the house itself is freezing (the owner doesn't believe in turning up the thermostat), and the smells are different. They don't belong to us.
I know what I need to do is be thankful for everything I do have, but the doldrums just won't evacuate. That whole positive thinking thing I talked about a while back? Yeah, well it took a big nose-dive, much like every diet I've attempted and eventually blown. Big Red loathes his job more than ever, and I feel worthless as a sub. Although our plan remains to move to the city next spring, we've got to somehow get through this winter without completely losing our smiles AND waistlines. Food, you never disappoint us.
I know I need to get back to the gym. Maybe I'll start there. Hasn't it been proven that exercise releases some kind of happy-like endorphins? Ugh. I'm so bored with my hole-in-the-wall gym. It's tiny, there are no group exercise classes, and the friggin treadmills are planted too close to the TVs so that if you want a break from staring at yourself in the mirror, it's very hard to do without either: 1. getting a sore neck, or 2. completely stumbling off the treadmill. Yup, it happens.
Okay, call me Mrs. Debbie Downer. I've earned it. I really want to break out of this, scream, punch a wall. Escape. That's what I really want. No, what I want is my old life back where everything made sense, where we had money for Christmas gifts, and the future was clear.
It's all so confusing right now. There is no detectable path. Not even two roads in the woods. Shit, I'd take the one less travelled if I could see a damn ROAD. Maybe I'm on it and I just don't know it. Will all this these past few months, and the months yet to come; will they give life to a better something for us? They have to. I can't bear to think that everything was for not.
- Continue reading books; excellent escape.
- Get back to the gym; maybe sign up for a 10K as a small goal.
- Continue to seek out new recipes; cooking makes me happy.
- Get food portions UNDER CONTROL. It's not about denying the good stuff, just about moderation. There's no way I can live the rest of my life without ice cream. Not no-way not no-how!
- Continue to be there for Big Red; he's confused and struggling too.
- Try, try, try to be thankful for the blessing I do have.
Gonna go eat a Nutty Bar, self-control begins tomorrow. :)