Light

This is where you are right now; caught somewhere between the shadows of who and what you're becoming, and the light of what you already know.

And I'm beside you.

In the thick of it all, bobbing and weaving between the pendulum of your emotions.

I'm beside you, and kid, let me tell you, this is punishing. Because in the most demanding way it's not physical, a sore muscle that needs rest; it's unrelenting and arduous, because it's emotional.

Whomever coined the term "terrible twos," clearly had not yet encountered a three year-old. I've become quite familiar with the phrase "threenager," and it seems to fit Lucy perfectly. We've also used, on occasion, Lussolini, as when she gets into a mood, there's no room for democracy, only a vehement dictatorship. I have made many jokes this summer about how I may not survive this year, and while I chuckle, inside, I'm desperate to help us both through this necessary, yet aggravating challenge.

I've reached out to the wiser, more experienced, and they've all returned the same trifecta of sentiments: this is normal, we will survive, and it's only a phase. All three remain close to my heart and nerves, and I repeat them like mantras when the little turd refuses to sit still long enough for me to comb out the rat's nest that has formed in her hair because she refused to let me braid it and keep it out of her face for the day.

Exasperation doesn't even come close.

When researching the psychology and developmental stage of an (almost) three year-old - the stark contrast of emotions, stubbornness, need to feel independent whilst still screaming for mama because the shadows in her room made it scary - I'm not surprised. Watching her deal is one thing, and then experiencing my own reaction is another: one moment rage seethes just beneath my flesh, and the next, I want to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.

Parenting this little girl strikes me as a parallel to what she's actually undergoing. Maybe that's Nature's way of helping us through this seventh circle of hell? Some twisted sort of empathy?

I reached out to her pediatrician, whom I adore, never judges, and always reassures. I needed some validation from a professional. When I described what was going on, she responded with:

"I wish I could make this all go away, as it is very stressful. Her behavior is normal. 3 year-olds think they can do it all on their own, especially bright articulate children. Remain calm, loving, but firm...often what they need is recognition of their feelings. It's just a phase. The hard part is not knowing the duration. Surely it will go up and down."

It's a carousel, Lucy. We're on your beloved "carouself," going up and down, round and round. Sometimes the view is spectacular, and sometimes it isn't.

While she's navigating the choppy waters of her emotions, the sharp corners of what she's feeling, overwhelmed and unable to cope, I'm sourcing stores of patience at the bottom of what feels like a nearly dry well. Most days I can manage, but there are plenty when I look at her - screaming in my face about needing to watch Wonder Woman right now and wanting to drink chocolate milk from the blue cup - that I turn from her and walk away. Like actually walk away to another room, telling her not to follow me, and give me a minute.

Then she panics. And follows me, screaming louder, no mama, don't be sad, don't go. She knows. She knows and somehow that's reassuring, that in the midst of all this bullshit, she's beginning to understand that actions come with reactions. The other day, after a series of infuriating behaviors, what they were I couldn't even tell you because they were so inconsequential (but there were about thirty billion that happened in rapid fire succession), I started to cry. Full on ugly cry, right there on the couch. Lucy became distraught, and began to cry herself. She hovered over me, wiping my tears, repeating, no mama, please don't cry, don't be sad, I love you so much. And that made me cry harder.

Because I'm her mama and I want to help her understand these big feelings that are inundating her. Because she's growing up, and I'm desperate to sleep well again and not have to go into her room when she cries out for me. Because I'm terrified she won't cry out for me. Because it's all so big and amazing and demanding.

And then I look at these photos taken this morning, dark images of this little person in between worlds, the light catching her profile, and in that moment, I forget all the yuck.

Because I love her so much.

Zoe & Co.

I have to admit, I was a tad nervous for today's photo session with newborn Zoe (just a wee 10 days old!) and her family. I'd never really photographed a family with a newborn and a child. What if I couldn't get good poses? What if the pictures weren't exposed properly? Ugh. I didn't want to let Zoe's mamma, my friend, down.

That was this morning. I've since exhaled and am really happy with what I was able to capture. The whole family was incredibly nice, very accommodating, and even willing to put Zoe, swaddled, atop of an antique stereo. I'm glad they did, cause the resulting pic is incredibly unique and super cute.

Here are a few images from today's session, the newly minted family of four - Zoe & Co:

Spring Break 2012

Awesome.

That's what spring break 2012 has been for this gal.

First things first: a word on friendship. A little over a year ago I wrote about the friendships in my life. Specifically one that had fallen by the wayside, one that I'd all but given up on. It was hurtful, but I didn't know any other way to make it better, so I did my best to move on from the loss - and a loss it was. This was a friend who held an incredibly important history in my life, and her absence was deeply felt. I'm happy to say that through a series of emails, we have slowly begun to reconnect. I wanted to do something for her son who turns four years old tomorrow so I put together a little slideshow of pictures of him over the past few years. I burned the slideshow and put it in the mail. This is what I found inside my inbox this morning:

What absolute and utter delight! That little face, those silly and kind words. It made my week. I responded to my friend letting her know how glad I was that he enjoyed the video, but more so that she enjoyed it as well. While it was a gift for her son, this was also another hand extended, another small brick put back into the foundation of our friendship. I couldn't be happier.

The next best part of my week was photographing newborn, Jack Michael. At just 8 days old this fine young man slept through the entire session allowing us to pose and repose him. My friend Z was on hand, as this was her new nephew, and I was able to snap a few that included her. Jack could not have been a better baby and it was a perfect session. The images I was able to capture were fantastic and in my opinion, my very best work to date.

My photography website is now completely functional and I have my own domain! I also created a Facebook page on the encouragement of Jack's proud mom. Slowly I'm growing my gig and it's tons of fun.

On the Big Red front: he started his new job, and guess what? It's going so well! We're both relieved and excited for the many opportunities that will be coming his way. Although this new job will include travelling which will take him from me and Olive every now and again, I am completely and fully supportive of this endeavor. He more than deserves his chance to shine and dammit, I believe he'll finally have his moment.

Lastly, and I can't believe I'm listing this last because it's certainly not LEAST - I'm just 0.4 lbs. shy of hitting another weight loss milestone: 25 lbs. I'm pretty sure it's in the bag and hopefully this weekend or early next week, I'll cross that threshold. I feel fabulous, astoundingly phenomenal. My clothes are hanging off me, and I'm able to pull out pieces that had long since been buried at the back of my closet. I'm not quite slinking into the jeans I wore for my bachelorette party, but no doubt, I'll get there.

The life that Big Red and I have created is really coming into its own. We are both collectively and individually hitting our strides; I have great hope that more goodness is just on the horizon.

Cheers.

Banner Week!

For a while I've had little to write about. Well, you know how they say life shows up in threes? Whoever they are - they are right. This week was a banner week.

I. Big Red
I haven't really spoken of Big Red for a while because there wasn't much to put on  paper screen. Big Red's story is a bit convoluted for those who haven't been following so I'll give you the shortened version as best I can. Here's the lightening fast wrap-up of what's happened with Big Red since we arrived back in our Steel Town in the summer of 2008:

• He gets hired within a week of our return, making a really great flat-rate salary at an Audi/VW dealership. Turns out the dealership sucks big time and he works with a bunch of chauvinistic cheating pigs.
• He leaves dealership to work in an independent shop - sigh of relief. This place is a little further, but worth the commute. Turns out his boss begins to cheat him so that he won't have to pay Big Red. Huge bummer.
• He leaves the small shop and takes a break from being a mechanic altogether; quits working, stays home for 8 weeks and finishes our basement over the holidays.
• When it's time to look for work, he's weary of going back to any kind of shop so he gets a job as a parts delivery driver making $8/hr. While the money is tight, he's home before me, and his demeanor completely lightens up; he's the happiest he's been since we've been here.
• Then the mother of all job opportunity arises. He has a chance to go work for an independent shop, one where they specialize in taking care of vintage race cars. It's a dream. He begins the job in the summer of 2011. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief and I write about it here. And then the worst things happens: the dream becomes a nightmare. Big Red is treated like crap, referred to a "f*@king monkey" in front of clients. He comes home many nights dejected and confused. He begins to spin into a darkness I've never seen before. This job lasts six weeks. Just when we think everything is lost and there's no hope, yet another way out turns up - a job at a Toyota dealership where his friend works. He jumps on it and begins in the early fall of 2011.
• Big Red's spirit brightens and things seem to mollify themselves. But no, of course not, that would be too easy. Turns out this dealership is no better than the previous one. There's plenty of brown-nosing mechanics getting fed work. What becomes clear as day is that dealerships just SUCK. It's an environment that breeds corruption because income is on the line. Takeaway the variability of income, and I'm certain things would be better. But that'll never happen. Big Red begins to look for a way out.
• Through the most unconventional turn of events, through a friend of a friend who knows his mother, Big Red is told to "call" Mr. W. Mr. W is the owner of a small shop that caters to vintage race cars, among other race cars (open-wheel). When my mother-in-law gives me the message, I'm nervous because I know that Big Red's palate has been soured with his experience last summer at the other race shop. Nevertheless it's another chance. I give the message to Big Red, he's understandably skeptical. I encourage him to call anyhow. He does. Meets Mr. W, and realizes that Mr. W ain't like the others, and actually refers to what he does as "a craft." Big Red is over the moon. They negotiate a salary, yes a freaking SALARY, and Big Red begins work on April 2!

What's the moral of the story? Risk. You must be willing to take risks. Had Big Red snuffed the invitation to call Mr. W because he was afraid to encounter the hell he had previously, he would have missed out on the chance of a lifetime. And folks, this really is the chance of a lifetime. Working with Mr. W will allow Big Red to travel and do unique amazing work. It's the piece of the puzzle that's been missing since we moved back. I am beyond excited for him, and more than anything relieved. When I hurt, it's my own problem and I can fix myself. When my husband hurts and I'm left helpless because there isn't a damn thing I can do, I feel useless. There are few things worse than seeing someone you love, to the moon and back, hurt so deeply. Likewise, there are few things better than seeing that same person happy.

II. 20+ lbs.
This morning I weighed in and I've crossed the 20 lb. threshold. I'm down a total of 21.2 lbs! I am ECSTATIC.  Yes, I still have another 18 to go, but I'm more motivated than ever. I've kept up with the P90X, but I have made a few of my own modifications. I did not like the Kempo so I'm substituting that for a day where I take long run (5-6 miles), or I hop on the elliptical. It's going incredibly well, and I'm damn proud of myself. My battle with food continues to be won, and it's actually becoming less of a battle. Earlier this week one of our math teachers had pies for "Pie Day" (3/14), and offered up some to those of us eating in the lunch room. While I could of just said no and skipped it altogether, I quickly realized that it wasn't necessary, but that I'd have to exercise restraint on how much I took. Look, I love food and that's never going to change. I can still eat sweets if the craving hits, I'm just much more aware of what I'm eating and how much of it I'm going to eat. I took a sliver of key lime pie and a sliver of peanut butter pie. I enjoyed every single morsel, my craving was satisfied, and I didn't undo all my hard work.

III. New Website
My photography is slowly growing. I don't have a large client base by any stretch, but word is quietly getting around. I've known for a while that the next step in growing my photography business is to put together a website. I'm not ready to invest hundreds in some flashy set up, so I've been scouring the internet for free options. This week I found one through www.wix.com. I don't own my own domain just yet, and am planning to take that second leap this summer. It isn't terribly expensive and it's something I'll definitely take care of. Until then, my photography business can be found at: http://www.wix.com/ilenemarshall/photography. I will continue to update my galleries, hopefully getting some students to do some senior portraits soon. I'm proud of what I've put together and while I know it's relatively simple compared to the super-professionals out there, I'm quick to realize I'm not a super-pro. I'm a full-time teacher with a budding photography business. For now, I think it's a great start.

Kylie Jane Photo Shoot

I have been waiting to photograph this gal since she was just a wee little peanut in her mommy's belly. None of the snow that fell early this morning could keep me away from this anticipated chance to photograph another newborn. The little miss was fast asleep on her mama's chest when I arrived, and cooperated very well with all our handling of her, posing, reposing and wardrobe changes - or no wardrobe at all! Even her daddy got in on the mix. 

Big thanks to Lyndsey and Ryan for once again (I did Lyndsey's maternity shoot) allowing me to continue working on my craft. 

MCP Project 12: Resolution

January. The first MCP Project 12 theme is RESOLUTION. I resolve to enjoy the little things. Little moments like snowflakes found on beautiful faces:

Hanging in the Strip

I've finally found my way back to this blog. Truth is, there hasn't been much to mull over. I guess I could tell you the story of how at this year's staff holiday party, a colleague mistakenly thought I was pregnant. Yup. Actually put her hand on my belly, eyes all lit up and asked if I was pregnant. My response: Nope. I'm just really f*@$ing fat right now, but thanks for coming! Yeah, that was pretty awesome. I didn't go jump off one of the many bridges readily accessible to me, instead I reacted as any female would - I proceeded to stuff my face for the rest of the evening. And then the very next day moved the elliptical out from the corner of the storage room (which has since become overrun with construction crap) and into the family room. I aimed it right at the TV. The social faux pas happened a week ago. Since then I've been eating better, walking the dog, and riding the elliptical. I guess sometimes we need someone to overstep themselves to shake us out of our slumps. It's not like I haven't noticed; I've just been in denial. That's all I'm going to say about that.

As for the rest of my life, the usual has been going on - the hyper gluttony of Thanksgiving, pulling out the Christmas crap (I personally LOVE Christmas crap), and counting down the days until Winter Break when I get a respite from my students, and they get a break from me. Cause let's be honest, as much as they get under my skin, I'm sure they'd chirp in with a similar vein of thought. Or would it be a tweet instead of a chirp? I don't tweet, and I don't plan on tweeting. I don't even own a smart phone. I still have a flip up the front lid type of cell phone. Do I really need the Internet right at my fingertips at any given moment? Really? Nah. I'd rather spend my money on a digital photography class at the local center for the arts. T really wants to take the class and thinks it's a good idea. I think it's a great idea, but the tuition is a tough pill to swallow at the moment. I told her I'd be up for it (and the cost) this coming spring.

Speaking of photography, in my last post I mentioned a possible opportunity to photograph a couple on their wedding day. They chose to go with someone with a little more edge. I was SO okay with that. Like I said before, the idea of doing a wedding, even if it was just going to be the couple and no one else, makes me incredibly nervous. Perhaps someday down the line. Right now, I'm just content photographing newborns, pregnant ladies, and of course, Miss Daisy, T's daughter. I went over there recently and took some holiday pics of the little one. She's just too freaking cute. It's almost painful how cute she is. Her eyelashes are insane. That girl will never need to buy a tube of mascara.

I still have a lot to learn when it comes to snapping pics. That being the case, T and I decided to head down to the Strip District this morning. The Strip is about a half mile of shops, wholesale food markets, and all kinds of eateries, bakeries, and sidewalk food. We brought our cameras with us and had another go at practicing our art. Before heading to the strip we went to the West End Overlook, a great spot for getting an awesome shot of our little city.


I shot in RAW this time around. It's my first time shooting in this format. In the post-editing process, I did notice a difference. My ability to control the colors was much more acute. I dig it. I like how the images turned out.

I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed with how much there is to know in the world of photography - cause let me tell you, there is A LOT. At least if you want to do it right. I know much of pulling the trigger on a good image has a tremendous amount to do with the photographer's eye and instinct. I think I've a little bit of that in me. It's the technical stuff that I've got to study and practice. I'm hoping to add another lens to my bag, and a bag for that matter, this Christmas. Hopefully, Big Red - err, Santa, brings me the bag I've asked for. I sent Santa an email last week with a link to where to purchase said bag. It sure would be nice to travel to California for Christmas with my camera  tucked away safely in the perfect camera bag...

Thanks.

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving.

It's nearly 8 am, and I'm the only one up this early. Which is kind of ridiculous since I'm not even cooking anything today. There's a thick scarf of fog outside and the grass has been painted white with frost. When I let Olive outside this morning, I skipped the slippers, and my feet nearly burned from the chill of the concrete. Can you say, "winter?"

I haven't been around this blog lately, mostly because I haven't had much to write about. I guess that's a good thing in some respects. The biggest news as of lately is that I had an essay published on page 2 of the newspaper. It's the closest I've ever gotten to page 1. I received some lovely responses from readers, but the best response was a phone call from an 86 year-old man. He said he'd been the very first principal of one of the oldest high schools in our district. He told me he also took my same approach with students. He then said he was a little mad that he hadn't written the essay himself, as he saw it from his own voice. It was a tremendous compliment.

Big Red continues to slowly make progress on the bathroom downstairs. The walls have been insulated, the plumbing has been worked out. The next big step is to install the shower. We might even get to that today before heading over to his mom's house for dinner! He's also been making great progress on his personal happiness. I wrote about it some time ago, how he'd been struggling, and while I didn't outline all his daemons - those are his to share, I will say he has found himself in a much brighter space. There is a lightness about him that had been absent. His smile has returned and he's been able to tolerate work in a way that doesn't seem to drag him down.

As for me, a door may have opened for an opportunity to photograph a wedding - a small wedding. Just the groom and his fiance and whomever marries them. In all actuality, it would probably be more like an engagement session. While the simple utterance of the phrase photograph a wedding makes me want to turn and run, this scenario isn't the typical one. The couple may decide to go with someone else, and that's all well and good. I honestly don't know if I'd choose me either. In the email to the groom I basically laid out my current skills, my current equipment - one camera and one lens. Not so much to scare him off, but just to make sure all expectations are super-duper clear. But if they do choose me, I'll be grateful for the opportunity to continue working on my photography and for being the person who gets to document their special day. I'll let you know what happens.

I am grateful for a job in this very volatile economic climate, especially in my school district where a measure just passed to close several schools therefore cutting 400 jobs. Yes, 400 - and I still have my job. I am grateful for my students and their willingness to let me be me in the classroom.

As silly as it may sound I am grateful for having had the means to purchase my camera - a little piece of wondrous technology that allows me to have fun, express myself and record tiny slices of peoples' lives, as well as mine.

I am most grateful for modern medicine and its ability to bring smiles back on sad faces.

There is so much to be grateful for this morning, and every morning, really. To list them all would seem cliche.

Student taken photograph of me at my desk.

I love and I am loved. For this, I am most thankful.

photojournalism.

I was supposed to sleep in this morning, but I didn't. Not that it makes much of a difference anymore. Apparently the sleepy time clock in my body has advanced well past my relatively young age of 33. As of lately I've been wanting to go to bed around 9:30 and them I'm WIDE awake around 7 am. Bummer. Getting up early this morning was no chore.

I got dressed with plenty of layers and my warmer jacket, as the morning news indicated it was in the 30s. Let the dog out to do her thing, then headed down to school. Yes, school. Me and two other colleagues drove seven kids around town while they snapped pictures for a photojournalism essay contest. These students are part of the Environment & Energy major at our school. Their fearless leader, and my buddy Z, wanted them to enter into an eco challenge set by a local organization. The challenge was to, in five frames, capture the relationship between the environment and the community - where it's been and where it's headed. Something like that. Forgive me if I get some of the details skewed. All I heard was take pictures, and I said yes.

The seven sophomores showed up in the parking lot around 9 am and we headed out to some rather blighted areas that have been making a slow and steady turnaround through various initiatives that include community gardens. It took nothing more than a few snaps of the shutter and the kids were hooked. Many were talking about how they wished they had "cool" cameras and one even suggested he might reconsider his career path and give photography some credence.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly, and of course, I brought my own picture taker along. Not a bad day for some extracurricular fun. I wish all teachers could experience days like this.

first snow

Lyndsey's Maternity Session

Today was Lyndsey's maternity session. The weather has been sketchy the past few days - cold, grey, and rainy - our town's holy trinity. Thankfully, this morning I awoke to clear blue skies and a bright and beautiful sun. Score. We did the shoot in a park that's hidden and happens to be near my house. I didn't even know it existed! I'll definitely have to be taking Olive there soon. The past few days of dank weather left us with soggy leaves and a sloshy muddy ground, but we made it work. Lyndsey and her husband Ryan were fabulous and willing to pose and repose and trek through some mud until the great shots were captured. You know we're all a fan of the bump, so we definitely captured plenty frames with the bump, front and center.

I hope someday after Ryan & Lyndsey's little Miss Kylie is born and grown into her britches, she'll look at these pictures and smile; looking at just these few makes me all warm and giddy.

Roller Derby