Aylan Kurdi

I was scrolling through my FB feed this morning, as I normally do, and came across a friend's post that showed a hand-drawn image of a young boy among stars and an ocean, face down. Immediately I knew this had something to do with the drowning of the young Syrian boy, Aylan Kurdi. For selfish reasons, I'd been avoiding the image, and I knew bits and pieces of the story, but it wasn't until this afternoon that I read the article in the New York Times, that I saw the picture and got the full story.

And I couldn't stop unseeing it.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted, not having slept well this past week, but this picture has affected me, viscerally. My daughter has been getting up in the middle of the night, shaken awake by a cold she's getting over, coughing, calling out for me. In those moments, I'm frustrated, sometimes even angry, just wishing that she'd sleep so I could sleep.

That image of Aylan, the waves falling over his cheeks, in one instant, has made me profoundly grateful of my first world problems, of the fact that I have a bed to sleep in soundly and safely, and mostly of the fact that my daughter is alive and well and capable of calling out for her mama.

I am sick to my stomach, and the tears just keep pooling.

It's as if birthing my daughter split me open. There is a fissure that exists, a permanent fracture that reaches to the blackest darkest corners of my very existence and understanding of the world around me. Seeing that little boy, just a year older than my own daughter, face down, dead - there are no words. Literally none. No poetry, no language, no lyric can define what grips me and reaches far beyond the barbed borders of fear and terror.

It is impossible to remain present, every single second of every day - I am human and I forget, but tonight, should my daughter call out to me, I will try to remember how very lucky we are.

Image: Yante Ismail - UNHCR

She's Cute, But Sometimes It Sucks

A colleague of mine often brings in her husband's TO DIE FOR key lime pie whenever there's a staff function that involves food. It's my absolute favorite among the potluck options, and that first bite never fails to pack a mighty zing.

That's parenthood.

When you first bring your kid home, it's a shock to the system much like that tart zap to your taste buds. But, after a few bites months, routines emerge and you become acclimated. You find yourself staring at this warm sweet-smelling bundle that mews like a kitten.

Everyone has their own version of parenthood, and their own stories to report. I'm incredibly skeptical of any Mom out there who claims that motherhood is simply "the best thing ever." The end. No, not the end. That sentence, in my world, gets a significant revision: Motherhood is amazing, fulfilling in a way no one can explain, but there are moments, and occasionally days, when even though she's the cutest thing ever, motherhood can suck. When you just want to call a time-out, but you can't.

Uh-huh. That's truth for you folks. Real life. If it sounds harsh and not all Anne Geddes then you're not being realistic.

Honest to god, I love my kid. I love her as wide and deep as the ocean. Love, as I've said before, is almost a trite word when I begin to attempt to encompass what I feel about this little creature. It's too big, too nebulous to fit into four letters. But loving her does not mean that all moments are to be treasured. When you have a baby, people like to preach, "Cherish every moment." That's all well and good, but I've learned you can love someone, and still not like a moment with them.

Let's face it, how can you expect me to cherish my kid when she's miserable and cranky? You want me to cherish her when I'm wiping up the shitty blowout diaper that has defied gravity and magically climbed up her back? These are not treasured moments; they can be memorable (after some space and time), but they're not to be cherished.

And thinking this way does not make me a bad mother. What it does is make me honest. No pretense. The good and the bad. Kind of like marriage. When you take those vows, what are you truly pledging to do? Stick around when times are good? Nope, that's the easy stuff. You're promising to yourself, to your betrothed and to whomever is witness that you're going to stick by your partner when the shit hits the fan. Likewise, when you become a mother, you silently vow to stick with this kid through it all - the poop and the smiles.

Last Friday night, my baby came down with a fever. Saturday she was miserable. I mean inconsolable, cranky, clingy, didn't want to eat - a mess. Buckets of tears. We were convinced an alien had abducted our child. This was NOT a day I cherished. Sunday was better, but then Big Red noticed a developing rash on her when it was time for her bath. A call to the on-duty nurse revealed a suspicion of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, which consequently, we knew was running rampant among kids. You know what some of my first thoughts were?

1. I hope she gets over this quickly.
2. Dammit, now she can't go to school on Tuesday and Thursday, and I won't get any downtime.

Yup. I'm admitting it - I thought of myself. And I felt a little like an asshole for it, but if you've ever had a sick kid, you know that when they're sick, everything stops, nothing gets done, and you're as miserable as long as they are. We won't even talk about the worry factor - cause it's always present and turned up considerably when your babe becomes ill.


Yesterday, I was feeling sorry for her, and still a little for myself, but decided we needed to get out of the house. It was day 3.5 of this dreaded "disease," but she was weathering it well, and good enough for a quick field trip to the store. While in Babies R Us, we ran into another mama who was looking at neck supports that go into car seats. We chatted quickly about how we liked some of these ideas, and in the midst of our discussion, she mentioned that her son has cerebral palsy.

Okay Universe, I hear ya. Loud and clear. All it takes is one moment, a life hip-check to snap you out of whatever mood you're in. My kid is healthy by all stretches of possibility and a little dumb HFAM is nothing compared to larger issues that others face. Got it.

Lucy is on the mend, her appetite has returned, and she's nearly all herself. We are several bites into our key lime pie, and enjoying each other's company again. I know, I'm certain, we are in store for more less-than perfect moments - that's just how it goes, and I'm not going to beat myself up for wishing I could escape once in a while. It's not worth it. Perfection, Supreme Motherhood, and "It's the best thing ever. The end." It's all unreasonable and unattainable.

I love her, I am thankful for her existence and yes, I wouldn't change a thing - but I can also admit that there are moments that suck.

The end.

Identity: Putting Myself Back Together After Baby

As a new mom, I have been fortunate enough to find a group of other new moms that meet every week. We congregate, sit on cushions on the floor with our babes, and talk. And we talk and talk and talk about everything. I’ve said before that stepping into motherhood has brought me to my knees, made me cry more than I ever thought I would, and has sent me on a doozy of an emotional roller coaster. For all those reasons and so many more, this community of women has been invaluable to me. It has allowed me to share my insecurities and questions without fear of judgment. Each week that I go and sit on the floor with Lucy next to the others, I leave feeling a little more reassured in my work as a mother.

Recently during one group visit, a Mom brought up the idea of identity. She was struggling with figuring out who she was post-baby, and Kathy, our ingenious and fearless leader, asked the rest of us how we were dealing with this idea of identity. I didn’t say anything, but left considering my new space in this world.

I know logically I’m still me, but even knowing this, I sometimes have a hard time fitting all the pieces together to make sense. A friend from work texted me the other day and asked if I was enjoying my time with Lucy, to which I replied “yes, very much,” but also that right now I “can’t imagine going back to work in March and having to turn on my teacher brain.” How will I quiet the new mommy brain I’ve acquired in order to turn on my teacher brain again? It seems impossible because as of the moment, my mommy brain is what occupies 90% of my life. Then, a few days later, something happened that made me realize the former me is still there and eventually, it will all fall back together again – I got my period. Seems like a minor event, but it wasn’t in the sense that it was a clear reminder that even though I’m now Lucille’s mother, I’m still Ilene.

The best way for me to understand this new identity that I have, or rather than new, let’s say revised identity, is to liken it to a prism.  Some time ago, a dear friend of mine was traversing dark days. She sent me an article she found in an online journal which stated that we, as women are always “in flux, [we] are changing, [we] are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how [we] want to put [ourselves] back together.” It is a powerful idea to believe that we have the choice how we want to see ourselves and not let anyone else dictate that for us. The article also goes on to talk about how we are prisms, and why diamonds are as beautiful as they are – because they are fractured. Consider a diamond with no cuts, no facets. It would be dull, no? In order to help myself along this journey, I have taken to thinking of myself in these terms. I am a work in progress. The me that I knew before this baby is still there, but stripped down/fractured. Right now my waking life consists mostly of caring for my daughter, but slowly, the pieces of me that were, are returning.

Like a choreographed dance, I am learning one movement at a time. I had a baby. My cycle returned, and in a few months, I will go back to work adding another piece to this dance. Eventually I will add back things like photography, exercise and cooking meals from new found recipes. Each movement adds another dimension to the self, another step in choosing how I put the prism of my identity back together again. Right now that idea of "normal" appears to be far fetched, but I remind myself to be patient. Patient that in time I will find some kind of new normal and be able to do these things again. 

I know it won’t be smooth sailing all the time, and it will never be perfect, but it will be me. 

And that will be okay.

Health, Consciousness, & Reality

(photo credit)

Last night, Big Red and I watched the highly touted documentary, Vegucated. The filmmaker, Marisa Miller Wolfson, a vegan herself, follows three NYC omnivores as they attempt the vegan lifestyle for six weeks. They visit farms, animal sanctuaries, investigate what "free range" means, and shockingly, what it doesn't. They speak with the likes of Dr. Joel Fuhrman and T. Collin Campbell, as well as visit the vegan friendly retail store, Moo Shoes, to shop.

The film is compelling, as all in this genre are (Forks Over Knives, Food, Inc., etc.). After watching clips of the horrors of slaughter house practices and the inhumane treatment of livestock, I always turn my DVD player off with a knot in my stomach and the renewed resolve to live a more conscious and healthy life - one that does not involve eating animal products. At the start of 2012, I actually went vegan for several months as a way to kick off a healthier way of eating and to lose some weight. The resulting effects of omitting animal products were wonderful. I felt lighter, less fatigued, more lucid and clean from the inside out. I was educated on the health benefits of such a way of eating, and came to realize I could get all the nutrition I needed from a plant-based, whole food way of life. There is some hard evidence out there that suggests when eating a properly balanced whole food/plant-based diet, heart disease and cancer rates significantly drop. Who wouldn't want those odds?

I was very successful and in fact lost 30 lbs. But I didn't keep up the vegan lifestyle. For one, Big Red likes meat. He was willing to go along with my food scheming ways, so long as there was an occasional meat-based dish. He likes cows milk and eggs. He likes cheese, and so do I. Very much. Cooking two meals isn't feasible, not on a regular basis, and since I'm the resident chef - by choice - these are daily considerations. These are not excuses, this is my/our reality. I don't think it's right to impose my way of thinking on Big Red, that isn't fair to him. Just because I've got a bee in my bonnet about the welfare of cows and chickens and pigs and fish, doesn't mean he should as well. He's a grown man and can make his own choices, but because I do the grocery shopping and the cooking, does that mean I make his food choices for him? I don't think it works like that, or at least, it wouldn't work well.

In our debriefing of the film last night, Big Red said that while the film was provocative, going vegan wasn't going to solve the atrocities being done to animals - we are just one or two people, how could that make an impact? Further, if there were a demand for more plant-based foods, something would go awry in the farming of those products and then there would be some crazy overuse of pesticides and fertilizers, and we'd have issues there as well. He's a little skeptical if you haven't picked up on that already.

But I still feel guilty. I feel bad that there's cheese and eggs in my fridge right now. I feel bad that some poor chicken was shoved into a teeny tiny metal crate and kept contained just for its eggs. If my decision to make vegan-like choices doesn't save all animals, at the very least it would ease my guilt. Not to mention the perks of the health benefits.

Is there some kind of balance possible? What if I cut down, once again, on the purchasing of animal products, and when I do buy them, I buy them from retailers like Wild Purveyors? It's a family owned business (like) that specializes is seasonal, locally sourced raw and specialty products. Their animals are locally raised in a pasture and humanely slaughtered (like). And all products are antibiotic, GMO, and rBST free (like).

If I can't choose not to be 100% vegan, then is this an acceptable alternative? At the very least, it's on the spectrum to moving in the right direction - or at the very least, a direction in which I'm comfortable living.

A Mighty Tree

This morning I had my third round of acupuncture with Debbie. I've been going for three consecutive weeks and I will admit I feel like I'm changing. While the sense is subtle, nothing profound or life-altering - something has most certainly begun to shift.

The first round of needles resulted in a wonderful sense of euphoria and it lasted quite some time. The second round not so much. The awareness of something was a little more refined. Throughout the week I made note that I wasn't getting hung up on what had to be done right now, because what if... The dialogue was more along the lines of, yes, this should get done, do the best you can. Debbie had suggested that when I started to feel that hyper urgency to do something or a need to overreact, to breath deeply - like from the belly. Apparently what dominates my nature is yang - the positive, active, strong force of the yin and yang duo. When Debbie listened to my pulses, she picked up on my pronounced yang. Part of my treatment has sought to and will continue to work on balancing the pair.

Today, needles were placed near my kidneys, the backs of knees and ankles. The goal was to strengthen the kidney's, a grounding organ, one that would aid me in working to be more present - not allowing myself to get tangled in all the blasted what ifs.

The slight changes that have been occurring are indicative of a larger mountain moving. If the change was rapid and always euphoric, the fall from that height would be greater. The way I see it, the changes I'm making/feeling, although slow, will last for the long haul. Consider a tree that shoots up towards the heavens, ravenous for the sun. Because it grew so quickly, it's roots could not keep pace and therefore lay superficially beneath the earth. It will never be as strong as it's sister who has taken her time to grow gently, steadily reaching towards the sky, allowing her roots to expand widely and deeply. Who will stand mighty against wind that challenges their integrity? I want to be the tree that endures.

After leaving my acupuncture appointment, I had a photo session lined up in which I had the privilege of photographing five day-old newborn fraternal twins. The sweetness of these two babies was off the charts.

On Wednesday I did yoga. I'm naturally inclined to not like yoga. My history as a competitive athlete has formed my need to exercise in an aggressive manner. If I'm not sweating profusely and exerting my muscles until they burn and shake, well then I'm not really exercising. Debbie explained to me that yoga is a restorative exercise, and perhaps I should be open to a more balanced approach to fitness. In keeping with taking care of myself, yesterday, I went to YogaRythmics and had a blast! Afterwards, my friend and I went to The Milkshake Factory and had oh so delicious milkshakes. AND I have another photo session tomorrow. AND I'm leaving tomorrow night to attend the presidential inauguration.

I've been busy. It's been good. I have a long way to go to find my balance, my peace, the equilibrium between my yin and yang - but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely.

Threading the Needle.

This afternoon I had my very first acupuncture treatment. Not exactly what I anticipated, but definitely a satisfying experience. Upon my arrival and after just a few minutes of waiting, Debbie (my acupuncturist) came out to greet me and we went into a small treatment room. At a small desk, we chatted for the better part of an hour and a half. Debbie listened intently while I unraveled the happenings of my life. Occasionally she peppered my narrative with insightful observations, none of which seemed forced or too directing. She asked about my daily habits, body functions, likes/dislikes, my hobbies and such. Debbie agreed that my choice to come for acupuncture was favorably timed and thought that I would most definitely benefit from the process.

Photo Cred: www.acaom.edu

Then she did something I was not expecting - she listened to my pulse. I extended my arms onto the desk and Debbie placed a hand on each of my wrists. Using all her fingers save her thumbs, she listened. Every now and again I would feel one or two fingers give a little more pressure than the others. There were moments when she would ask me a question like, "Do you eat quickly?" Um, yep. Guilty as charged. Then she'd continue to listen and maybe ask another question a couple minutes later: "Do you have allergies; are you allergic to cats?" Spot on again. Kitties make me sneeze. And then, "Are you feet and hands usually cold?" Yes, they totally are! My feet are constantly blocks of ice. It was both strange and super cool. How the heck could she tell that from my friggin' pulse? Was there something to this ancient art? I'm thinking yes, most definitely there is. She then asked to see my tongue, after which she asked if I ate meat. I explained that I did, but not as much anymore. Debbie noted that my tongue was on the pale side and suggested that I eat some red meat. In Chinese traditional medicine, blood is the foundation of everything. It's not just this liquid made up of red and white cells, but it is the way by which nutrients and energy is transported throughout the body. Not only is blood responsible for life, but it is also integral to mental and emotional health. Red meat was a great way to "build blood." I made a mental note to stop and pick up some meat on my way home. This was definitely going to go over well with Big Red.

After the listening, she explained that this first treatment would be one that worked to clear my body. I would by face down on the table (a massage bench with one of those awesome face cradles where if you're not careful and too relaxed, you're liable to drool) and she would apply the needles in my back. She left the room, I undressed from the waist up, got on the table and under the cozy blankets. When she returned, I asked, my voice probably muffled thanks to the lovely face cradle, if the needles would hurt. Debbie assured me they would not and I probably wouldn't feel much. Sure enough, it didn't hurt a bit. She tapped in around 10-12 needles and then left me to relax in the dark with some soothing ocean sounds. She checked on me once after what I guess was 10 minutes and then came back after another 10 - ish minutes to remove the needles.

After I was dressed again, she explained that I may or may not feel anything right away, and to take note of what I did happen to feel in the next few days. I will be returning next Saturday for round two and it would be helpful to her if I could be able to relay whatever I noticed over the week. We shook hands, I thanked her and stepped out into the frosty January afternoon sun.

As I made my way home, I felt calm. Very, very calm. Often I have to remind myself to allow my shoulders to relax; seems as though they're always trying to creep up towards my ears. They weren't though; they were relaxed on their own. After stopping at the store for a couple of small prime cuts of fillet (yummo!), I began to chew over one of the recurrent themes of what came out this afternoon with Debbie: I'm constantly living in a state of limbo. Waiting for something to happen and not wanting to make a decision until the thing happens, whatever the thing happens to be: baby, weight loss, finished remodeling project, etc. Lots of waiting. Part of what I hope to accomplish through acupuncture and my own self-direction is to live more in the here and now.

There is a second bedroom in our house we don't use. It eventually will become our kid/kids' room, but right now it's just a catch-all. What if, instead of waiting for a baby to happen to make a decision about the look of the room, I just began doing something with it? It's not like my aesthetics are so wild that whatever I did to the room couldn't easily someday be transformed into a nursery. As it exists now, it's a constant reminder of what I'm waiting for - what hasn't happened. Inside the room is also a second wing back chair I was planning on converting into a rocker/glider. I started working on it this summer and then abandoned it when, at the time, the possibility of motherhood abandoned me. Screw it. I'm just going to finish the chair as a chair.

I also decided that Big Red and I need to go somewhere great this summer. A trip. A destination. Something that requires more than an overnight bag. I don't know where - maybe Germany? Even if it isn't somewhere far, far away, I like the idea of working towards that kind of a goal.

While I was on the table, blissfully removed from all stressors of life, I felt my own mind unfolding and saying to me: You will be okay. Somehow, whatever may come to pass, whether I will it to or not, I will be alright. And maybe this is just a toe-dip into something new, but it felt good.

Really, really good.

Lucky.

A new year. And of course the inevitable reflection of life and my existence within it. I said back in September that I was going to consider dismantling this blog. As of right now, I've decided against it. There is still a strong sense in keeping some of my life off the screen, but there is also a want and desire to write about it. The author in me, perhaps seeks to share, or at the very least engage in the act of writing. And "publishing" on this blog holds my writing accountable to me. For now, that's good enough to remove this blog from the chopping board.

Every new year's eve, I find myself saying, "this year will be better, I can feel it." I felt that on December 31, 2011, and I felt it again last night. 2012 held both sunshine and rain. Big Red took a giant courageous leap and made a career change and also got a brand spanking new car! I got healthy, lost a bunch of weight, and then began fostering a romantic vision of starting down the road to a family. It happened quickly for us, near the start of summer, and just as we were beginning to wrap our heads around the idea - after 11 weeks, it was gone. Just like that.

And then school started; my "kids" were now seniors, this would be our fourth year together! I had incredibly high hopes for the first semester. Alas, it fell hard, and has fallen quite flat. The class I was/am teaching has missed the mark. I know it and that has been rough. As for forging on towards a family when we were cleared for take-off once again, the family train became a mission. Too much of a mission. My personal life and professional life, both for which I had grand visions, became blurred and disappointing. I was trolling through a fog and it sucked.

This winter break was exactly what I needed, and somehow I've convinced myself to pull my ass out of the muck at work, just enough to get through the remainder of the semester, making the best of what pieces of the course I can salvage. I'm determined to end the semester on a positive note.

As for the personal, I am giving myself permission to step off the train and attempt to relax a bit. I don't want to hear, "just don't think about it," because that's virtually unattainable. In fact, it IS impossible. Trust me, I'll be thinking about it all plenty, but I'm working hard not to allow this vignette in my life to become all-consuming. I don't want to hear questions about how is it going. That's incredibly infuriating, regardless of the source: friend or family. I'm inquisitive myself, and love to know about the lives of others - I understand that. This journey in life is incredibly personal - more so than any other. I know people care, and I know they want to know - but tough titties. If I've got news I want to share, trust me, I'll share it. Moving on.

My eyes are not averted, just refocused on the other just as important pieces of my life: my husband, my Olive, my family, my friends, my health, my creativity, and my peace.

On the advice and encouragement of a friend, I'm going to my very first acupuncture appointment next weekend. Totally excited! Even Big Red was intrigued (I think I may have even detected a hint of some interest from him...). It's a new year and I can't think of a more appropriate time to have my chi or "life energy" realigned and balanced. I'm completely open to it.

My resolution intentions for 2013 are to remember (thanks Mia) that this is just how it is right now, live in the present without projecting, seek to find balance, and to enjoy.

This year will be better, I can feel it.

Back on Track.

Even though I have today off, I was alert and wide-eyed at 6:30 am. So you know what I did? Got up, asked Olive if she wanted to go for walk, to which she replied with an enthusiastic bark and sprint around the room. And so that's what we did. We went for a 40 minute walk. On the menu for today: chopped veggie salad, cucumbers with beet hummus, Greek salad, and fruit.

That's all I wanted to say.
I'm back on track.

Happy Memorial Day weekend.

Temptations.

It is at THIS point in the year that I generally slip-up and give into the edible temptations that come with the closing of a school year. Inevitably there are parties and potlucks, all of which provide plenty of opportunity to shovel unrelenting amounts of delicious treats down my pie hole. Oh the food - the glorious food! Thus begins the weight gain  portion of my yo-yo rhythm.

It is also around this season that my fine-tuned workout regime starts to fall by the wayside. Again, with the end of the year, because of all the parties and extra-curricular activity, there seems to be little time for working out. Or rather, I'm too tired and "busy" with other crap to work out.

The combined digression of healthy heating and lack of exercise propels me, again, for the umpteenth time into a cycle of gain weight, feel like shit, lose weight, slack off, gain weight. Uh. I'm so over it. So. Over. It.

So here's what's going to be different this time around, because I'm a fiery kind of determined that my efforts of the past four and a half months will not be frittered away. I'm going to first recognize and acknowledge this pattern. Being aware of what is happening is the first step, is it not? As the parties come up and the glorious grub is presented to me in all its splendor, I will allow myself to indulge. What I will not do, as I've previously done, is gorge. I will taste what I want. I will enjoy it. And I will stop. Finally, I have made a commitment to continue exercising at minimum, three times a week. Even if it's just to take Olive on a 30 min walk.

I refuse to gain back the almost 30 lbs. I've lost. Yes, 30!!! Technically, I'm about a half pound away from the big three-oh - close enough. I feel amazing and I don't want to lose that feeling. So if I feel myself slipping and falling back into the quagmire of weight gain, I will remind myself of how well I both look and feel.

Feel free to hold me accountable.

Berkeley Springs, WV.

A weekend that begins with a mineral bath and includes homemade ice cream, a massage, horseback riding, naps, and delicious dinners, should be part of everyone's life. Big Red and I were lucky enough to have spent a wonderful, wonderful weekend in Berkeley Springs, WV. If you live near to this quaint little town, I highly recommend a visit.

We departed around lunch time on Friday, and returned around lunch today. The Country Inn was our home for two nights, and a lovely home it was. We had a suite in the historic portion of the inn that was reached only by traversing some good old fashioned creaky wood stairs decked with paintings and photographs of yore.

This trip was a mini getaway to celebrate 12 years together. Because of Big Red's travelling with his new job, which by the way - he's totally loving!, we can't really do any long vacations. Thus, we hope take a few short weekend trips, Berkeley Springs being the first of the season. We ate dinners at Tari's and the Ambrae House, enjoyed cones from the local ice cream shop, and clomp-clomped on horseback through Cacapon State park. We napped when we felt like it, and we indulged in wine and cheese late into the evenings back in our room.

Perhaps it was the warm mineral waters of Berkeley Springs we bathed in, with their holistic healing properties, that left us both feeling rested and refreshed with smiles on our faces. It couldn't have been a better weekend.

Cheers to 12.

OCD.

Happy Saturday Morning. Today's edition of Glass Half Full is brought to you by the sweet mollifying melody of rain. It's been downright daggone hot in the Steel City. For the past several days it was as if we'd skipped spring altogether and been thrust into summer. Lambent blue skies and 80 degree weather. We even broke a record high that had been in place since the 40s. The rain is a welcome respite from the heat, and perfectly sets both mood and tone for today's project.

The title of this entry is twofold:

1. Yes, OCD is referring to the traditional take on the acronym. Sometimes I refer to myself as Monica Geller after Courtney Cox's character on the 90s show, "Friends." I am somewhat comically obsessed with keeping neat and organized. Living by the philosophy that everything has its place is comforting. I enjoy lists and being able to check off items pleases me to no end. I use the term OCD here as more of a tongue-in-cheek reference; while I enjoy cataloging and orderliness, I realize the true disorder is no joke.

2. I'm creating my own OCD acronym: Organizing Circulating Dinners. In my recent efforts to get and remain healthy, I've revamped my menus and have amassed a sundry of dinners. Using my cookbooks, recipes passed along from friends and the glorious phenomenon known as Pinterest, I now have somewhere near 50 recipes. No kidding. And I keep collecting more and more.

I've been able to get all meals listed in a Word document. The next step is to take a trip to Staples and pick up some large note cards. I'm getting three different colors; each meal will be categorized as one of the following: vegan, vegetarian, conventional. Ideally, each card will give the name of the meal, list ingredients and directions, and give nutritional information. I don't plan on getting it all done today - I don't have nutritional information for everything, but intend to add the information as I make the meals for which that info is missing. Once each card is finished, it will get laminated, I'll punch a hole in the corner, and then put it on a metal ring. Imagine a key chain of quick to access meals with all pertinent information. Easy quick menu planning makes my little heart sing!

Speaking of little, I've added another 2.4 lbs. to my weight loss, putting me at -22.4 lbs. I keep on keep'n on and am sticking strong with my workouts. As I sipped my once-a-week mug of coffee this morning, Big Red and I caught an infomercial for Insanity. Um, there are no words. It really does look insane. I'm not quite ready to take on Insanity and will happily remain with my P90X for the time being. Perhaps Insanity will be the next step?

Big Red has also hopped on the healthy train. The week that has just ended was the first of two that Big Red has off in the interim between jobs. He ate a revised and healthier breakfast and had for lunch whatever I took. He dropped 4 lbs. this week. He's going to continue to follow in my footsteps again this coming week and reports that he's feeling good. And of course that make me feel good. I'll be more than happy to quit buying Pop Tarts and crap-filled hot dogs. He's even tried to lay off the coffee a bit, a well-known Big Red vice.

Happy 4 days into Spring 2012.


ps: Big Red is also making big progress on the small bathroom renovation. Drywall is up, second coat of mud is up. We're buying primer, paint, and tiles this weekend. :)

Banner Week!

For a while I've had little to write about. Well, you know how they say life shows up in threes? Whoever they are - they are right. This week was a banner week.

I. Big Red
I haven't really spoken of Big Red for a while because there wasn't much to put on  paper screen. Big Red's story is a bit convoluted for those who haven't been following so I'll give you the shortened version as best I can. Here's the lightening fast wrap-up of what's happened with Big Red since we arrived back in our Steel Town in the summer of 2008:

• He gets hired within a week of our return, making a really great flat-rate salary at an Audi/VW dealership. Turns out the dealership sucks big time and he works with a bunch of chauvinistic cheating pigs.
• He leaves dealership to work in an independent shop - sigh of relief. This place is a little further, but worth the commute. Turns out his boss begins to cheat him so that he won't have to pay Big Red. Huge bummer.
• He leaves the small shop and takes a break from being a mechanic altogether; quits working, stays home for 8 weeks and finishes our basement over the holidays.
• When it's time to look for work, he's weary of going back to any kind of shop so he gets a job as a parts delivery driver making $8/hr. While the money is tight, he's home before me, and his demeanor completely lightens up; he's the happiest he's been since we've been here.
• Then the mother of all job opportunity arises. He has a chance to go work for an independent shop, one where they specialize in taking care of vintage race cars. It's a dream. He begins the job in the summer of 2011. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief and I write about it here. And then the worst things happens: the dream becomes a nightmare. Big Red is treated like crap, referred to a "f*@king monkey" in front of clients. He comes home many nights dejected and confused. He begins to spin into a darkness I've never seen before. This job lasts six weeks. Just when we think everything is lost and there's no hope, yet another way out turns up - a job at a Toyota dealership where his friend works. He jumps on it and begins in the early fall of 2011.
• Big Red's spirit brightens and things seem to mollify themselves. But no, of course not, that would be too easy. Turns out this dealership is no better than the previous one. There's plenty of brown-nosing mechanics getting fed work. What becomes clear as day is that dealerships just SUCK. It's an environment that breeds corruption because income is on the line. Takeaway the variability of income, and I'm certain things would be better. But that'll never happen. Big Red begins to look for a way out.
• Through the most unconventional turn of events, through a friend of a friend who knows his mother, Big Red is told to "call" Mr. W. Mr. W is the owner of a small shop that caters to vintage race cars, among other race cars (open-wheel). When my mother-in-law gives me the message, I'm nervous because I know that Big Red's palate has been soured with his experience last summer at the other race shop. Nevertheless it's another chance. I give the message to Big Red, he's understandably skeptical. I encourage him to call anyhow. He does. Meets Mr. W, and realizes that Mr. W ain't like the others, and actually refers to what he does as "a craft." Big Red is over the moon. They negotiate a salary, yes a freaking SALARY, and Big Red begins work on April 2!

What's the moral of the story? Risk. You must be willing to take risks. Had Big Red snuffed the invitation to call Mr. W because he was afraid to encounter the hell he had previously, he would have missed out on the chance of a lifetime. And folks, this really is the chance of a lifetime. Working with Mr. W will allow Big Red to travel and do unique amazing work. It's the piece of the puzzle that's been missing since we moved back. I am beyond excited for him, and more than anything relieved. When I hurt, it's my own problem and I can fix myself. When my husband hurts and I'm left helpless because there isn't a damn thing I can do, I feel useless. There are few things worse than seeing someone you love, to the moon and back, hurt so deeply. Likewise, there are few things better than seeing that same person happy.

II. 20+ lbs.
This morning I weighed in and I've crossed the 20 lb. threshold. I'm down a total of 21.2 lbs! I am ECSTATIC.  Yes, I still have another 18 to go, but I'm more motivated than ever. I've kept up with the P90X, but I have made a few of my own modifications. I did not like the Kempo so I'm substituting that for a day where I take long run (5-6 miles), or I hop on the elliptical. It's going incredibly well, and I'm damn proud of myself. My battle with food continues to be won, and it's actually becoming less of a battle. Earlier this week one of our math teachers had pies for "Pie Day" (3/14), and offered up some to those of us eating in the lunch room. While I could of just said no and skipped it altogether, I quickly realized that it wasn't necessary, but that I'd have to exercise restraint on how much I took. Look, I love food and that's never going to change. I can still eat sweets if the craving hits, I'm just much more aware of what I'm eating and how much of it I'm going to eat. I took a sliver of key lime pie and a sliver of peanut butter pie. I enjoyed every single morsel, my craving was satisfied, and I didn't undo all my hard work.

III. New Website
My photography is slowly growing. I don't have a large client base by any stretch, but word is quietly getting around. I've known for a while that the next step in growing my photography business is to put together a website. I'm not ready to invest hundreds in some flashy set up, so I've been scouring the internet for free options. This week I found one through www.wix.com. I don't own my own domain just yet, and am planning to take that second leap this summer. It isn't terribly expensive and it's something I'll definitely take care of. Until then, my photography business can be found at: http://www.wix.com/ilenemarshall/photography. I will continue to update my galleries, hopefully getting some students to do some senior portraits soon. I'm proud of what I've put together and while I know it's relatively simple compared to the super-professionals out there, I'm quick to realize I'm not a super-pro. I'm a full-time teacher with a budding photography business. For now, I think it's a great start.

3.2 lbs.

There isn't much to say today other than I'm just 3.2 lbs. shy of hitting a 20 lb. loss. Which means - I'm almost half way to my goal. Some weeks my numbers are big and some weeks my numbers are small. When I weighed in this morning I only recorded an 0.8 lb. loss. The other week it was 3 lbs.

I hate to admit it, but the damn scale moving is probably the most motivating factor. Sucks I know because the scale doesn't always tell the whole truth, but I'm just being honest.

My clothes are beginning to fit poorly, but because I'm still well into my journey, I don't want to buy anything yet. The other day I had to roll the top of one of my pairs of black work pants. Yes, roll, as in fold over. They don't have belt loops so I had no way of keeping them up other than rolling the top of them as if they were a pair of sweatpants. I guess you could say this is a good great problem to have.

It's early, and a tad bit too chilly out, but I think I'll hitch up the dog and take her for a walk. Then when I get back since I'll be all warmed up, I'm going to hit the elliptical. No sense in wasting a perfectly good morning, and the poor dog hasn't been on a walk for a while because of the weather. It'll do us both some good.

Happy Weekend.

bringing healthy to students

Do you have any idea how much crap teenagers eat on a daily basis? It's revolting. But it's probably not that big of a surprise since we were all their age at one point. I distinctly remember purchasing, on a daily basis, a Hershey's Cookies 'n Cream chocolate bar. Yes, every day for snack I'd delight in this sugary treat. It never really occurred to me how bad this was - I wasn't thinking in those terms, and neither are my students, at least not until Mark showed up.

For the past two days my students were part of a seminar put on by one Mr. Mark from our local Whole Foods Market. This is what he does. He educates those willing to listen on the benefits of a plant-based, whole foods diet. And not whole foods like the name of the store, but rather food in its original state.

Mark showed up Thursday armed with a wonderful five minute presentation of an eleven year-old discussing why we should all consider paying the farmer and not the hospital. He had handouts on the myths of dairy, the real cost of healthy eating and a startling fun little fact sheet detailing the horrors of soda, or rather, pop as it's known on this side of the country. The kids were engaged, they asked questions - good questions, and listened to what Mark had to say. You could see their over-caffeinated minds start to work and think about what they'd been putting into their mouths. When reality started to settle in, some began to complain about the lack of nutrition and quality of school lunches - and they're right. What's served in the cafeteria on a daily basis is deplorable. Fresh? I don't think so. Processed? Yup. Tons of crap for a really cheap price.

Some students began to pull out their carbonated sugary drinks and read the labels. We all had a few good laughs when those reading got to ingredients they couldn't even pronounce. At that point it was clearly obvious that Mark's point about moving towards natural foods rather than artificial foods was sinking in.

On Friday, Mark once again came prepared to wow the kids, this time with a food show and some good eats. He showed up with his portable single burner, a couple of pans and some very fresh ingredients. He had 'em hooked. They watched intently as he put together what I'm calling the "Dorm Recipe." Prior to Mark showing up I'd asked him to put something together that would be tasty, quick and above all easy to make. He did not disappoint. Into the hot pan went diced red potatoes, red onion, red, yellow and green bell peppers, broccoli, mushrooms, quinoa, garlic, kale, marjoram, oregano, thyme, and a dash of salt and pepper. In ten minutes we whipped up a delicious breakfast option. The kids lined up with their bowls and forks, threw on some hot sauce and got down to tasting.

A few were skeptical, some were willing, most enjoyed it. What resonated most with me were the comments coming from students - the same chuggers of Mountain Dew were saying things like wow, I didn't know eating healthy could taste this good or this isn't so bad or what was the recipe again? I'd like to write it down and try it on my own. Many students left the two-day seminar thinking hard about their health and the food they were eating, and several were committed to eating better. I did speak with one young man who was particularly excited about this revamped way of eating, but at the same time frustrated because of his home environment. When I asked him what his family typically ate, he cited fried rich greasy foods. I asked him about the sides served with meals, suggesting that he serve himself more the sides and he reported that whatever it was, was typically cooked with a heavy dose of cheese or butter. He said he'd not eaten meat in several days (we previously watched the documentary Forks Over Knives) and has tried to make himself a salad with every meal to compensate for what's being served. Several students reported attempting to talk to their parents but quickly got shut down, and that was very sad to hear.

In a thank you email to Mark this morning, I wrote the following:

                         While they may not be able to buy their own food at the moment, I'm certain
                         you've planted a seed that will influence their choices when they gain some
                         independence in a couple of years.

This class is turning out to be more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined. I love that not only do I get to help students prepare for possible training and career paths, getting them to understand that money isn't everything and that doing what you love is worth more in the long run, but I also have the opportunity to help them become more well-rounded individuals. Through the viewing of documentaries, amazing group discussions, and with activities like Mark's seminar, I have no doubt that their sometimes narrow-minded views and one-track minds are now opening to infinite possibilities.

And that, dear readers, is what this job is all about.

good eats: Lemon Yogurt Loaf

The original recipe from which I've adapted this one came from the Food Network star, Ina Garten. No doubt hers is delicious, but in an effort to keep the crap out of my body on an upswing, I've switched up a few things. A little experimenting if you will. Took out some sugar, swapped out some white flour for the whole wheat version, and did a quick trade of oil for applesauce. Who can resist lemons? Who can resist bread? Let me present to you a lovely marriage of the two - sans some of the extra guilt. 

Ingredients

• 1 cup All-Purpose flour
• 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• 1 cup 2% Greek yogurt
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 3 large eggs
• 2 tsp grated lemon zest
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup applesauce
• 1/2 cup powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat the oven to 350F.

2. Grease an 8 1/2 x 4 1/4 x 2 1/2 inch loaf pan with no stick baking spray. Flour the pan as well.

3. Sift together both flours, baking powder, and salt into one bowl.

4. In another bowl, whisk the yogurt, the granulated sugar, the eggs, lemon zest, and vanilla.

5. Slowly whisk the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients.

6. With a rubber spatula, fold the applesauce into the batter until it is all incorporated.

7. Pour the batter into the loaf pan and bake for about 1 hour, or until the cake tester placed in the center of the cake comes out clean.

8. Meanwhile, combine the 1/3 cup of lemon juice and ½ cup powdered sugar in a small sauce pan until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is clear. Set aside.

9. When the cake is done, allow it to cool in the pan for 10 minutes. Carefully remove from the pan and place onto a baking rack over a sheet pan. Poke holes all over the top of the cake with a long cake tester or toothpick. Then, while the cake is still warm, pour the lemon sugar mixture over the cake and allow it to soak in. Once you have poured all the mixture over the cake remove the baking rack and roll the cake bottom and sides in the leftover mixture on the sheet pan.

Nutritional Information per slice/ 11 slices per loaf:

150 cal, 2 g fat, 30 g carbs, 1 g fiber, 16.5 g sugar, 5.5 g protein

good eats: Chopped Veggie Salad

You're welcome. Let's just get that out of the way. Eww, sorry. That was a bit arrogant. I guess you might not like the following recipe, so I should just speak for myself when I say that it's both scrumptious and pretty to look at. This chopped veggie salad requires some chopping prep time - no kidding, but when it's all made, it lasts for the week. I took this concoction for lunch last week and paired it with 1.5-2 cups of strawberries. Because I'm now more informed, I will only be buying organic strawberries. The lower the fruit/veggie sits to the ground, and if it can't be peeled, the more pesticides it carries. Therefore, I'm switching to organic. In fact I've switched to pretty much everything organic.

The salad and fruit pairing definitely satiated my noon-time hunger. I recommend not dressing the salad until you portion out what you eat the day, otherwise, dressing ahead of time will turn the salad to mush.

This recipe, like some of the others I've posted, is much about your preference. If you want more salt, add more kalamata olives. If you prefer the taste of parsley over cilantro, then use parsley. If you don't like tomatoes so much, omit them. And certainly there are other ingredients you could add: garlic, kale, fennel, broccoli...the list goes on and on. Comprenden compadres?

Chopped Veggie Salad
2 zucchini cut lengthwise, then diced (don't peel)
1 cucumber, peeled, diced
1 small tub of grape or cherry tomatoes (I cut 'em in half)
1 cup pitted kalamata olives, halved
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 orange bell pepper, diced
1 handful of cilantro or parsley, or both!
1 handful of diced red onion
1 stalks green onion diced
1 handful of slivered almonds
Dill to taste (I use several shakes, as I love the taste of dill)
1 can rinsed, no-salt Chickpeas (Garbanzo beans for those of you on the other coast)
*I added the remainder of an undressed broccoli carrot slaw I had left*
**You could also add some crumbled feta cheese if you're not worried about keeping vegan**

Toss all ingredients together, store covered in the fridge. When you're ready to eat, serve yourself a portion and dress with a 2 to 1 ratio of white balsamic vinegar to lemon juice. I usually do 1-2 tbs. of vinegar and 1/2 to 1 tbs. lemon juice.

And it's that easy. Here's mine all prepared and portioned out for tomorrow's lunch in a glass container:

Yummy.

...day 21...

...and things couldn't be better. I just weighed in and lost another three pounds. Since the start of this eating challenge I'm now down 5.8 pounds, giving me an overall grand total of 14 pounds since the clock struck 2012.

And it feels A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Typically when I get caught up in some new eating fad, it's hard at first, takes a while to get used to - all the usual crap. The brilliance of this eating challenge has been that for not one second has it been difficult. I eat when I'm hungry and I pretty much eat however much I want - which for this gal, who loves her portions!, is so satisfying. I'm not cranky, I don't "miss" anything. I've had a few sodas here and there when I've really felt like it, Big Red and I bought some ice cream last weekend, and I even had (twice) a coffee mug full of delicious butter pecan - full fat, mind you. I'm no longer fettered to the scale and can patiently wait until the week's end to weigh myself.

It's amazing.

I've been working out hard this week and plan to for the coming week as well since my free membership at the gym ends on the 26th. If I can knock out a few more pounds before the membership is up, I'll be pleased as punch.

Some of the recipes I've come across have been incredibly delicious and one, well, not so much. I honestly didn't think eating plant-strong with plenty of veggies, legumes and fruits would be this easy. I've virtually eliminated all animal products for the duration of this challenge. I did though make some orange chicken, from scratch using THIS recipe the other night. It was scrumptious served over brown rice, although I noticed how heavy the meal felt and how I couldn't put down the portion I normally would have. Oh, and I did sprinkle about a 1/4 cup of shredded cheese over top of a vegan casserole - mainly for Big Red. But honestly, other than those two moments, it's been clean eating out the gate. And I feel clean. It's almost like my body is rejuvenating itself and running on premium fuel.

Even though the challenge is going to be up after this coming week, I definitely see myself carrying on with these habits. How could I not? My body is responding beautifully to the food I'm eating, it's definitely responding the calories I'm torching at the gym - even Big Red noticed the other day: Your body feels different, stronger and more lean. What woman WOULDN'T want to hear that?!?!?! And even though I know I'm doing this for myself, I would be lying if I didn't say his noticing didn't stoke the encouragement fire. Some other folks have noticed the weight loss, mainly in my face (isn't that always the first place to show? why can't it be the belly or thighs? or even the back fat?), and a colleague commented on my baggy pants the other day.

It all makes me feel great.
It all makes me feel amazing.
Have I mentioned how amazing this has all been?
The proof is in the pudding plants.
Time to head to the gym. :)

good eats: Garlicky Kale & Cold Quinoa Salad

I've come across two new recipes that I feel must be shared with you, dear reader. It would be a travesty of the greatest proportions if I withheld these new dishes. They are incredibly healthy (duh!), and power foods no less. The main ingredients call for kale and quinoa, respectively.

First a bit about kale. Kale contains a rich source of vitamins (A, C, B6) and minerals (magnesium, calcium, copper, potassium) and may, in fact, prevent cancer. One cup has just shy of 40 calories, but packs a punch with more than enough of the required daily dose of vitamin A, and since it's a plant source of A, there's no need to worry about getting too much! The only drawback for me personally is its texture. It's tough and kind of hard to eat raw, but dressed with the liquid gold I'm about to fill you in on, it becomes soft, especially given time to marinate.

Next, a bit about quinoa. I only recently discovered quinoa in the past couple of years. It's a strange little grain, but definitely another super food and hails from South America - let's hear it for the Incas!  Apparently this was even a sacred crop for the Inca. Not only is quinoa incredibly high in protein, but it's a complete protein, meaning it includes all 9 essential amino acids. Booya. And bonus, it's gluten free so it's easy on the belly. Joined in concert with the added ingredients in the cold salad, this makes an incredibly delicious, healthy (double-duh) and visually beautiful salad.

Alright already. Enough of the nutrition lesson, here are the goods. Enjoy!

*   *   *   *   *

Garlicky Kale (a Whole Foods recipe)

10 oz kale, chopped, stems removed  (I got mine at Trader Joe's; they sell a bag of it)

Dressing (I make 3x the following amount because it's so freaking yummy, and I like a lot of dressing)
2 tbs. nutritional yeast
1 tbs. tahini
1 tbs. water
1 tbs. lemon juice
1 tbs. Bragg's Liquid Aminos (if you don't have this, substitute with tamari or lite soy sauce)
2 tbs. minced garlic

Blend all dressing ingredients in a food processor and pour over kale. Toss salad and let soak/marinate for a few hours. The end result is a creamy dressing that tastes very similar to a Caesar-style dressing. Like I said, it's even better the next day, or even the third day.


Cold Quinoa Salad (another Whole Foods creation)

(Several of the ingredients are "to taste." You'll just have smell, taste, and experience what's right for you.)

2 cups whole wheat quinoa
1 (16 oz.) bag frozen edamame
1 mango, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
red onion diced (to taste; I used about half a cup)
raisins (to taste)
dried, unsweetened coconut (to taste)
silvered almonds (to taste)
chopped cilantro or parsley (to taste; I used cilantro)
equal parts balsamic vinegar and lime juice (I used slightly more than 1/4 cup of each and then ended up adding a few more splashes as I tasted the salad)

Directions:
1. Rinse the quinoa really well, and cook according to package directions. Take edamame out of the freezer.
2. Chop and dice red onion, bell pepper, mango and put into a large mixing bowl.
3. Once quinoa is done, add edamame and let sit 5-10 minutes. Heat from the quinoa will defrost edamame and keep them crispy.
4. Add quinoa and edamame mixture to mixing bowl with onion, pepper and mango.
5. Add in the raisins, coconut, almonds and cilantro. Toss well.
6. Mix together vinegar and lime juice and pour over salad, mix well.
7. Taste and modify as needed.

Makes 13, 1 cup servings. I plan on taking this salad, plus a piece of fruit for lunch this week. Can't wait!!

I think you'll find you won't need any salt or sweetener other than playing around with the combination of ingredients. I ended up adding a few more dashes of vinegar, raisins and coconut.

*   *   *   *   *

Food that tastes this good, is this healthy, and this beautiful, makes me incredibly happy. If you're gagging over my enjoyment, I won't apologize. I'm thrilled to be excited about food that, for once, isn't going to blow up my waistline, is palatable, and will in fact be good to my body.

I wish the same for you.

New Class & Getting Healthy

Wednesday began the new semester, and with that, my new course: Post-Secondary Prep. Can I just say that I'm totally loving it? I know - we're only a few days into the semester, but I really am enjoying myself and my students. I think they're feeling the same way.

I have always loved to read and write - for pleasure. That enjoyment seemed to easily translate into teaching English, at least, it made sense when that whole become a pediatrician - oh wait, you have pass calculus and organic chemistry to become a doctor? realization hit me smack in the forehead. What better than to teach what you love to do? Welp, it's not that simple. First of all, lets all rewind back a few years back to when we were sitting in those desks for six hours a day and our teacher was telling us that we had to read the first three chapters of A Tale of Two Cities. Remember the groan and suck of teeth, the silent promise never to read a single page because who gives a flying fart about some French peasants and aristocracy. I mean, what does that even mean - aristocracy? Remember locating the Cliff's Notes (cause there wasn't an Internet back then), scanning the synopsis and trying to skate by?

I do. I remember all of it. In fact, I remember not reading one single book in its entirety for all four years of high school except for All Quiet on the Western Front. Go figure. Now imagine trying to be the adult standing in front of those teeth-suckers and getting them to read a book they don't particularly want to read. And then imagine getting them to write a proper essay about the book they never read. Yeah. Right.

Despite dragging dead carcasses through quicksand (cause sometimes that's what it feels like being an English teacher), I did enjoy myself. I did not enjoy the endless paperwork or the grading, but I did enjoy getting students to identify with characters and attempt to get them to see something about life, perhaps even their life, within fiction.

But those days are done. And I'm nothing but smiles because now I get to be less of a teacher and more of a counselor. I was once accused of being a "cheerleader" instead of a teacher. One of my supervising teachers said this of me in my final semester of student-teaching. I challenged her asking what was so wrong with being a cheerleader. I wanted to know why that was an issue. I don't remember her answer; clearly it wasn't memorable. I think counseling students is a lot like being their cheerleader. In my new role, I get to take on those traits.

Eight years in and having recently ditched the traditional English teacher role, I think I'm coming into my own. I've found the capacity in which I'm supposed to teach. I get to help students look inward and question their values and what they want from life. I get to help them seek out the very best pathway that suits their dreams and aspirations, while illuminating possible roadblocks and challenges, and aiding them in attempting to create a framework so that they have a map for life after they leave the relatively safe haven of high school. Yesterday we discussed ground rules for discussions about controversial topics. We talked about the skills necessary to engage in a conversation where one party does not agree with the other. They were brilliant. They spoke about respecting one another, and questioning the topic rather than attacking the person. After we were comfortable with the rules, I lead them right into the fire - I told them they were going to discuss abortion and whether or not it should be legal.

They amazed me with both their candor and maturity. They policed one another making sure no one interrupted and they worked hard to stay on topic and avoid tangents. By golly, they were talking to each other with respect, and they were listening. They were actually listening to one another. And I loved every minute of it.

Three days in, and I love this class more than any other I've ever taught. It is my creation, my baby, and my students have embraced it (so far) with open arms.

In other news...

I'm down another pound or so!! Pat on the back. When I got up this morning it was too early, of course, so I had me-self a banana and natural peanut butter, then hit the gym. Yay for free passes. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill then did some weights. It's been a week since starting the challenge and I feel wonderful. I hit Whole Foods last night for this week's groceries and again, I did not break the bank. Yeah, baby - this woman is rocking it. I also brought home a peanut butter and chocolate bar for Big Red. Yes, it was organic made from angel wings, or something like that - but the guy deserved something for his willingness to go along with my dinner meals - the most recent of which was a flavorless meatless meatloaf. FAIL.

I recently read a friend's post, "Change Will Do You Good," on her blog Remission Statement. Mia writes about getting rid of her plastic storage containers and replacing them with glass. After reading her post, it got me to thinking about all the yuckiness out in the universe and today I purchased my first round of glass storage bowls. I plan to add more in the future. Mia also gives links to some other really cool finds that are both safe and reusable. Speaking of reusable, Big Red and I, after almost two years in this house, are FINALLY recycling. I got another trash can that would fit behind the one we have in the kitchen, and now that second trash can is the designated recycling bin. Inconvenience is no longer an issue - go us!

...day 4...

Today marks day four of my participation in the Whole Foods 28-Day Healthy Eating Challenge, and I'm happy to report - so far, so good!

Sunday, I made it to the gym and picked up my free 28-day pass, and then hit Whole Foods, armed with a veggie laden grocery list. Here's what I posted on Facebook after my return: Going in with a very specific grocery list, I definitely felt like less of a tool among the super crunchies, the yuppies, and the bourgeois...AND I managed not to spend my "Whole Paycheck." And it's true. My bill was remarkably similar to what I would have normally spent at my usual go-to-grocery store. Are the tides changing?

I hit the gym on Monday after work and worked out with a trainer (part of the deal was one free evaluative session).  It was a Biggest Loser style session that probably only lasted a half an hour but has had lasting effects on my body, namely the fire-like searing soreness in my arms and ass. Long stretches of walking lunges and squats, and using an industrial sized rope among other brilliant moves. I even went back to the gym yesterday and ran a bit on the treadmill.

I spent the day today teaching with my arms half bent because it hurt too much to straighten them. With regards to my ass, well - it just hurts.

As for what I'm eating, the whole point of this challenge, I'm totally rocking it. I made a vegetarian chili Monday night and it turned out scrumptiously:

Photo Cred: www.ezrapoundcake.com

I followed the recipe I found via a pin on Pinterest, which by the way, I have discovered and for which I've fallen deeply under the spell. The chili recipe was originally posted on the blog "Ezra Poundcake: The Kitchen Confessional of Rebecca Crump." I made a few modifications, swapping out the 4 large tomatoes for a can of crushed tomatoes - I read it incorrectly and bought 4 large potatoes. I had the can of crushed tomatoes and used them without any issues. I omitted the hot spicy stuff and added a few dashes of liquid smoke. I served the chili with brown rice and some corn bread. Once again, the recipe was tested and approved by Big Red, who, as we all know, can sniff out a healthy meal a mile away. He even had seconds. Tonight I reheated my portion and added a few shakes of Red Hot. Yummy.

Next meal on tap is a meatless meatloaf. I'm a little skeptical, but am going to to give it a go anyhow. I am though excited about next week's meals. Last night we had our first nutrition class, and the gentleman leading the way prepared three dishes, all of which were excellent, totally fresh, and totally healthy. This weeks lunches have been big salads, and next weeks lunches will be a quinoa affair. As for dinners - on tap will be a bulgur wheat and tomato stew, as well as a peanut sauced steamed veggie dish.

I haven't weighed myself since last weekend, and won't until this weekend. I don't know if it's a placebo affect, but I feel better and my clothes aren't as snug. I suspect I will have lost something, given my trips to the gym and all the plants, veggies and fruit I'm consuming. In fact, the only processed food I've been eating are my little 100 calorie pretzel packs for snack at work, an occasional whole grain English muffin, and a few bites of a vegan (I know, who thought) chocolate mousse.

Everything else going down this pie hole has been whole food, fresh and unadulterated. Damn. That's definitely some good eats.