Month Four.

She is four months old today, and I'm more in love with her than ever. 

In reaching her fourth month, Lucille’s two biggest accomplishments have been being able to sit unassisted for almost a minute, and sleeping (HALELUIJAH!) through the night. She slept through the night, FOR REAL, needing no patting and no replacement of the pacifier, for the first time, just two nights ago. Picture me doing Balki Bartokomous’ dance of joy. Unfortunately for me, she didn't have a repeat last night. Such is the story with babies - three steps forward, one step backward. At 2 am, I am resolute in my desire to sleep train her (cause I know she can do it), but then morning comes, and then it's time for her first nap of the day, and I still so very much enjoy holding my baby as she falls asleep in my arms. I'm constantly having an internal debate about wanting to have a child whom I can just lay down in a crib for sleep, be it evening or nap time, and the selfish desire to hold and rock her into dreamland. That's Mommyhood for you. For now I'm holding onto her - literally. In a couple weeks I'll revisit the idea, because if we're going to do it, I'd rather do this before heading back to work.

She has blossomed into a full-fledged gurgling, cooing, smiling, and even on occasion, chuckling baby. Lucy goes places with me and with us without much ado, and is pretty easy-going in that respect. She loves her doggie, Olive, and Olive loves her. They are becoming great friends and it warms my heart. She's a champ with tummy time, but really isn't doing much rolling over. She's graduated to 5 ounces per bottle!! Tomorrow she has her four month appointment, and we're both so curious to see how much she weighs and how tall she's become. This morning we gave her a little taste of avocado, more as a ceremonious moment, rather than one about really eating. Her face was priceless, and whether or not she actually swallowed any avocado remains unknown. I'm just glad she was interested in it. We'll keep giving her opportunities to try out this new thing called "food."

Just the other day I was sifting through the various video clips I have of Lucy, and I came across the only one from her very early days. In this clip she is just five days old, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I totally teared up watching it: a wee little thing, barely able to make any noise other than those kitty-like mews.  I ached so desperately to hold that sweet bundle again. The truth of the matter is, of lately, I’ve been feeling quite sentimental. I’m almost certain I can attribute this emotional phase to the fact that in just a short month, I’ll be back to work, and Lucy will be in daycare. I’m ready in many ways to get back to work, and even a little excited. And I’m of the belief that daycare will be good for her social development. She’ll make new friends and meet new people; her world will become that much bigger. But I’m also sad knowing that once we step into our new daily rhythm, during the week, I’ll only have a few hours with her while she’s awake; a dramatic departure from our days as we know them now. 

I’m working hard not to dwell on how much time is left before our next big step, because I don’t want to waste this final month doing just that. Instead, we’re enjoying our days together, playing, laying around, going places when the stinking weather allows for it. I’m not usually one for getting irritated with winter, but this winter season has been a doozy. Sitting in our storage room is our lovely new jogging stroller and we’ve yet been able to christen it because every two seconds it’s snowing or freezing, or everything is frozen over making for one large ice rink.

It’s a special time. I’m well-aware that these days I’ll never get back. Seeing that video of my five day old baby made that painfully clear. I have a bazillion photographs to document these fleeting moments, but I’m also constantly reminding myself to put down the camera and just enjoy her.

Be in the moment, fully present, just us two, mother and daughter.

Happy four months, my sweet Lucille.

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