1.19.2009

An Open Letter to the Armchair Quarterback:

I have a bone to pick with you. Yes you-the lazy mid-life know-it-all pathetic armchair quarterback. You have made watching professional sports (hereafter to be written as The Game) an almost intolerable event.

Why do you find it necessary to call out every single play before it happens as well as after it happens? We viewers are watching the very same game with you, and to my knowledge, none of us are deaf and/or blind. We can see for ourselves how many yards are left to gain another first down, we can see the time left in the quarter, and yes, we can see the score.

Beyond your imbecilic Rain Man sputtering, I find it immensely offensive to hear you yelling at our team. There's no need to call the running back an asshole because he was only able to gain a yard. Do you really believe that when he was given the ball, as he tucked it into the crook of his elbow, he thought to himself, Gee...how can I gain the least amount of yardage possible? And why would you scream at him for being so awful? Are you so quick to forget the fact that he's had several tremendous games? You moron. You forgettable has-been. Oh wait. I've assumed you were a has-been, when in fact to "have-been," you had to at least have been somewhere, when in fact you've been no where. The truth is, you're nothing.

And the quarterback. He is no stranger to your hollow castigations. You curse him when he's sacked, you rake him over the coals when there's an incomplete pass, and you criticize hatefully the unforgivable thrown interception. Again, how could you possibly believe that when he calls for the snap, he's thinking to himself, "Let me find a jersey from the opposing team and throw it right to him!" You must have forgotten what he's actually accomplished to get his team this far. Besides the fact that this is his second trip to the Superbowl, and he's only twenty-six years old, he has seen and done more in this lifetime than your sorry ass ever will.

To be so arrogant as to proclaim that your team isn't playing like they care, is terribly misguided. You see, I can say with much certainty that they are playing like they care. They may not be playing well, but they're giving it everything they have. As a competitive athlete for most of my life, and having played at the Division 1 level, I can assure you that you don't get as far as these men have gotten if you don't work yourself to the bone and truly love The Game. These men love The Game. And if they didn't they wouldn't play. To accuse them of not trying very hard is ridiculous.

Let me ask you a question: Think of the last time you played on a team in an important game. Ask yourself, Did I ever once think to myself, "I'm not going to try very hard to win this game." The answer to that question should be a resounding NO. Because only the true athlete understands that every game is the last game, and every game means THAT much. But wait, you never did play competitively did you? All you know how to do with accuracy is light a cigarette and crack open a beer can. You have nothing with which to stand upon. Do us all a favor and learn to shut your pie-hole, and get behind the team of which you say you're a fan.

They are human beings and are not invincible. They will make mistakes. They are extraordinary athletes who leave their hearts on the field all in the name of The Game.

PS: Hey Douche-Bag, for the record, a lateral pass is a sideways or rearward throwing of the football. If you're going to review every play, at least know your football. Idiot.

2 comments:

Liz said...

Oh my!! You need to get out of that house!

Melissa said...

my three thoughts:
1. let's move up that moving date to the city.
2. i think you've saved enough.
3. mental sanity has no price.